guide to surviving workplace zombies

Let's get this out in the open right now: no, we haven't watched Zombieland or read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. We did read Pride and Prejudice, so we've got a wee bit of a crush on Mr. Darcy. But who doesn't?

The zombie has been around for as long as we've had corporate head offices, lunch room shenanigans and office politics. Probably longer, but now that they've found an orchard full of ripe fruit, they're digging in their heels and getting themselves planted. It's scary out there.

For those of you trying to stave off the office zombie attack, and who can't ditch the nine-to-fiver just yet, we offer this handy survival guide. We haven't read any others - it's just stuff we've stumbled upon ourselves while trying to maintain our own non-zombieness. It ain't easy being flesh when you're surrounded by the undead. We know. We've been there. Hell, we're there right now. So listen close.


A zombie doesn't drink
If you find yourself about to be zombified, invite the zombie to a "let's get to know each other better" lunch. Discretely slip an ounce of booze into her/his glass. Nothing will happen - immediately. You'll have about ten minutes to get to the safety zone before the zombie's head explodes. It's wicked cool when it does. Just make sure you didn't let the zombie drive you to lunch, or you'll be thumbing a ride back to the office.

The zombie dislikes informative radio
Most office zombies listen to whatever Canadian or Americal Idol crap is playing. We're not saying these television shows are ridiculous piles of shit - we're sure there are some awesome singers or performers that join up with this tripe. That's too bad. But if you find a zombie lingering around your workstation, it's likely that you have some sort of popular garbage playing which they find apppealing. Save yourself and tune into NPR or the CBC. Trust us. Not only will you not become a zombie, you might just learn some shit at the same time. Cool.

Zombies can't live without attention
Ignoring them yourself won't make them go away. We've tried that, and we almost became one of the bastards, too. No, zombies need to be ignored en masse. That's right - identify (to a trusted few) that the person is in fact a zombie, and get some colleagues to collectively ignore her/his attempts at contact. Those bad boys will wither up and die. Makes a hell of a mess for the janitorial staff, but they don't mind. We've asked. They'd rather sweep up an ashy pile of zombie bits than have the day shift become zombies.

A zombie is unable to take criticism
We're not suggesting you just attack anyone who you think might be a zombie, running rampant around the office and undermining work at large. It's fun, but it won't help you fight the zombie. What you should do is carefully and thoroughly criticize the zombie's suggestions and work. Eventually, the zombie will have the equivalent of what we call "a crisis of conscience". Since they don't have a conscience, you're not doing any harm, really. Like the attention thing, the zombie will collapse into a pile of ash. Sweep away.

The zombie can't confront another zombie about his/her zombieness
This one's trickier, but the pay out is worth the effort. Get two zombies in a room - with other non-zombie types as a distraction - and guide the conversation so that the two zombies are pitched in battle, defending their viewpoint, idea, whatever. Like in the booze example, you might want to stand back for this one. It'll get ugly. We can't describe it, but it's something everyone has to see at least once.

Zombies can't skate
Easy enough. Get a zombie on a patch of ice and watch them fall. Their hand-eye coordination sucks, so they'll tumble almost immediately. And because of this sucking of hand-eye coordination, the zombie won't have the foresight or ability to block their fall, leaving the vulnerable head available for splattering on the hard surface. Again, this can be messy. Stand back.


Now that you know a bit about surviving zombies in the workplace, go find yourself a zombie and practice. Don't worry about hurting them or their feelings. They don't feel pain like we do, and they have no feelings.

That's why they're zombies, silly.


~Paige