Let's get this out in the open right now: no, we haven't watched Zombieland or read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. We did read Pride and Prejudice, so we've got a wee bit of a crush on Mr. Darcy. But who doesn't?
The zombie has been around for as long as we've had corporate head offices, lunch room shenanigans and office politics. Probably longer, but now that they've found an orchard full of ripe fruit, they're digging in their heels and getting themselves planted. It's scary out there.
For those of you trying to stave off the office zombie attack, and who can't ditch the nine-to-fiver just yet, we offer this handy survival guide. We haven't read any others - it's just stuff we've stumbled upon ourselves while trying to maintain our own non-zombieness. It ain't easy being flesh when you're surrounded by the undead. We know. We've been there. Hell, we're there right now. So listen close.
A zombie doesn't drink
If you find yourself about to be zombified, invite the zombie to a "let's get to know each other better" lunch. Discretely slip an ounce of booze into her/his glass. Nothing will happen - immediately. You'll have about ten minutes to get to the safety zone before the zombie's head explodes. It's wicked cool when it does. Just make sure you didn't let the zombie drive you to lunch, or you'll be thumbing a ride back to the office.
The zombie dislikes informative radio
Most office zombies listen to whatever Canadian or Americal Idol crap is playing. We're not saying these television shows are ridiculous piles of shit - we're sure there are some awesome singers or performers that join up with this tripe. That's too bad. But if you find a zombie lingering around your workstation, it's likely that you have some sort of popular garbage playing which they find apppealing. Save yourself and tune into NPR or the CBC. Trust us. Not only will you not become a zombie, you might just learn some shit at the same time. Cool.
Zombies can't live without attention
Ignoring them yourself won't make them go away. We've tried that, and we almost became one of the bastards, too. No, zombies need to be ignored en masse. That's right - identify (to a trusted few) that the person is in fact a zombie, and get some colleagues to collectively ignore her/his attempts at contact. Those bad boys will wither up and die. Makes a hell of a mess for the janitorial staff, but they don't mind. We've asked. They'd rather sweep up an ashy pile of zombie bits than have the day shift become zombies.
A zombie is unable to take criticism
We're not suggesting you just attack anyone who you think might be a zombie, running rampant around the office and undermining work at large. It's fun, but it won't help you fight the zombie. What you should do is carefully and thoroughly criticize the zombie's suggestions and work. Eventually, the zombie will have the equivalent of what we call "a crisis of conscience". Since they don't have a conscience, you're not doing any harm, really. Like the attention thing, the zombie will collapse into a pile of ash. Sweep away.
The zombie can't confront another zombie about his/her zombieness
This one's trickier, but the pay out is worth the effort. Get two zombies in a room - with other non-zombie types as a distraction - and guide the conversation so that the two zombies are pitched in battle, defending their viewpoint, idea, whatever. Like in the booze example, you might want to stand back for this one. It'll get ugly. We can't describe it, but it's something everyone has to see at least once.
Zombies can't skate
Easy enough. Get a zombie on a patch of ice and watch them fall. Their hand-eye coordination sucks, so they'll tumble almost immediately. And because of this sucking of hand-eye coordination, the zombie won't have the foresight or ability to block their fall, leaving the vulnerable head available for splattering on the hard surface. Again, this can be messy. Stand back.
Now that you know a bit about surviving zombies in the workplace, go find yourself a zombie and practice. Don't worry about hurting them or their feelings. They don't feel pain like we do, and they have no feelings.
That's why they're zombies, silly.
~Paige
Showing posts with label CBC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CBC. Show all posts
Monday, February 1, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
10 reasons our office will be more fun than yours when we're a big cheese
Everyone says they'd have a better office culture, be more fun or spend more freely when and if they get into a coveted position of power. Yeah, right. Chances are they've been so beaten down along the way that by the time they get into any management position they're hankering to make someone their bitch-slave.
It's unfortunate, but it happens. And we understand it even if we don't condone it.
But not us. If our literary empire becomes vast enough to employ more than a) ourselves and b) one other person to do the stuff we don't like and pay them really well to do it, then we're committing to having the anti-office that beats all offices.
We like top ten lists. It's a nice, even number. So here it is.
1. We will have a pet armadillo.
The armadillo is undervalued. No one knows what it really does, outside of the assignment we did in the sixth grade involving limited information in the Encyclopedia Britannica. You remember those. If you don’t, then you were born in the 80’s and shouldn’t be jaded enough to be reading our blog.
2. You can work pantless.
This one might require some negotiation, and we might end up leaving this one to offices with no windows and closed doors, or working from home. The key here is that you will have the right to come to work however you choose. If you like a suit, fill your boots. Or dress shoes, because boots don’t really work with a suit.
3. Wine will be available at lunch. Every day.
If you don’t drink, you might not want to work at our office – because we do. And we will. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine at lunch. Unless you’re in law enforcement, are a paramedic or doctor-something, or maybe working with children. Oh, wait; if you work with kids you might want more than one glass.
4. There will be a piñata at every staff meeting. Filled with little bottles of booze and those chalky candies that only come out at Halloween, Rockets.
Everybody loves a piñata. Meetings are boring, and no one pays attention. Tie engagement to a piñata and everyone’s a winner.
5. Personalizing your office will be a catered, week-long event.
Sure, you can include the framed diploma or degree. We’ve got one – but we don’t think our current work environment deserves to be graced with the degree that set us back over $17,000. But our office will embrace your personal touch. Bondage equipment is negotiable, depending on the current insurance policy.
6. The telephones will be answered by Christopher Walken.*
Who wouldn’t want to come to work and hear Christopher Walken on the telephone? We’ll have him record all voice mail messages, too. Anything he says sounds scary, or dirty.
7. Anyone can take as much vacation time as they can justify taking, while getting work done.
Why should those of us who work hard be rewarded with the same amount of paid time off as those of you who do SFA? If you don’t know what SFA is...well, enough said. You’re likely doing it.
8. When we have one, the annual retreat will involve passports.
We work hard – or at least most of us do. When we’re offered time away on the company dime, we think we deserve something a bit more than Bob’s Lost Moose Lodge and mosquito repellent. Picture white, sandy beaches. Azure water. A pool guy with serious abs to cater to our every whim and wish. Now that’s a retreat.
9. The office will hold monthly belt sander races. At a dingy pub. In a small town. And it will be counted as community development.
If this isn’t enough description, then you’ve never been to a belt sander race. Go to one and get back to us. You’ll want in.
10. Every afternoon will include a round of shooters.
Most of us hit a lull somewhere between two and three o’clock every afternoon. We’re writing this at 2:42pm during a workday. Yeah. But we wouldn’t if we were corralled into the lunch room where we put on some crazy music, dimmed the lights and did a shooter with our colleagues while shouting “Viva la revolution!” at the top of our lungs. It’s just a theory, but we’re willing to bet it’s a sound one.
And that’s just the first ten things to strike us on a Thursday afternoon while listening to the CBC and avoiding cataloguing two months worth of mileage on fleet cars. Just imagine what we can think of when we get our thinking cap on.
Maybe it’s time to come up with “10 things our office will ban when we become the big cheese”. We’ll start with banning drip coffee (in favour of employing an in-house barista).
Time for a shooter. The Jello must be firm by now.
~ Paige
* Okay, so we might not get Christopher Walken. But we're sure there are some very good impersonators out there. Who's to say, though, that Christopher won't want to be a part of our fabulous group?
It's unfortunate, but it happens. And we understand it even if we don't condone it.
But not us. If our literary empire becomes vast enough to employ more than a) ourselves and b) one other person to do the stuff we don't like and pay them really well to do it, then we're committing to having the anti-office that beats all offices.
We like top ten lists. It's a nice, even number. So here it is.
1. We will have a pet armadillo.
The armadillo is undervalued. No one knows what it really does, outside of the assignment we did in the sixth grade involving limited information in the Encyclopedia Britannica. You remember those. If you don’t, then you were born in the 80’s and shouldn’t be jaded enough to be reading our blog.
2. You can work pantless.
This one might require some negotiation, and we might end up leaving this one to offices with no windows and closed doors, or working from home. The key here is that you will have the right to come to work however you choose. If you like a suit, fill your boots. Or dress shoes, because boots don’t really work with a suit.
3. Wine will be available at lunch. Every day.
If you don’t drink, you might not want to work at our office – because we do. And we will. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine at lunch. Unless you’re in law enforcement, are a paramedic or doctor-something, or maybe working with children. Oh, wait; if you work with kids you might want more than one glass.
4. There will be a piñata at every staff meeting. Filled with little bottles of booze and those chalky candies that only come out at Halloween, Rockets.
Everybody loves a piñata. Meetings are boring, and no one pays attention. Tie engagement to a piñata and everyone’s a winner.
5. Personalizing your office will be a catered, week-long event.
Sure, you can include the framed diploma or degree. We’ve got one – but we don’t think our current work environment deserves to be graced with the degree that set us back over $17,000. But our office will embrace your personal touch. Bondage equipment is negotiable, depending on the current insurance policy.
6. The telephones will be answered by Christopher Walken.*
Who wouldn’t want to come to work and hear Christopher Walken on the telephone? We’ll have him record all voice mail messages, too. Anything he says sounds scary, or dirty.
7. Anyone can take as much vacation time as they can justify taking, while getting work done.
Why should those of us who work hard be rewarded with the same amount of paid time off as those of you who do SFA? If you don’t know what SFA is...well, enough said. You’re likely doing it.
8. When we have one, the annual retreat will involve passports.
We work hard – or at least most of us do. When we’re offered time away on the company dime, we think we deserve something a bit more than Bob’s Lost Moose Lodge and mosquito repellent. Picture white, sandy beaches. Azure water. A pool guy with serious abs to cater to our every whim and wish. Now that’s a retreat.
9. The office will hold monthly belt sander races. At a dingy pub. In a small town. And it will be counted as community development.
If this isn’t enough description, then you’ve never been to a belt sander race. Go to one and get back to us. You’ll want in.
10. Every afternoon will include a round of shooters.
Most of us hit a lull somewhere between two and three o’clock every afternoon. We’re writing this at 2:42pm during a workday. Yeah. But we wouldn’t if we were corralled into the lunch room where we put on some crazy music, dimmed the lights and did a shooter with our colleagues while shouting “Viva la revolution!” at the top of our lungs. It’s just a theory, but we’re willing to bet it’s a sound one.
And that’s just the first ten things to strike us on a Thursday afternoon while listening to the CBC and avoiding cataloguing two months worth of mileage on fleet cars. Just imagine what we can think of when we get our thinking cap on.
Maybe it’s time to come up with “10 things our office will ban when we become the big cheese”. We’ll start with banning drip coffee (in favour of employing an in-house barista).
Time for a shooter. The Jello must be firm by now.
~ Paige
* Okay, so we might not get Christopher Walken. But we're sure there are some very good impersonators out there. Who's to say, though, that Christopher won't want to be a part of our fabulous group?
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