It doesn’t take snooping around in a large organization to find inefficiencies, poor practice and policies that are just plain stupid. We’ve worked in lots of businesses; we get around. Big or small, private or public – it doesn’t really matter. There’s one common denominator we found while working our ass off in the trenches: dumb doesn’t discriminate.
From under-estimating to over-compensating, people seem to have a hard time hitting the nail anywhere near the head. No amount of fudging the numbers will help you get sh*t done when you’ve started out of the wrong gate, in the wrong shoes or with the wrong team.
You might be thinking “oh, but my organization knows what it’s doing”. Sorry, big gal/guy – chances are you’re way off base and your staff are either too a) afraid b) useless or c) busy with their own plans to overthrow your inefficient ass to tell you what’s wrong.
We care. We always have. We're here to help, believe it or not. It’s why you hired us, remember? We’re more than just a pretty face that can tie a tie (actually, we can’t tie a tie – we just keep the same one looped in a loose knot, hanging behind your closet and you’ve never noticed).
Don’t panic. Now that you know your project/assignment/whatever isn’t going to finish ahead of schedule, in the black or ever really be finished, we won’t leave you hanging. It's going to take some gonads to get the sh*t done, so if you’re not ready for that then please proceed along as ineffectually as usual – just don’t come crying to us when you’re the last one on the sinking ship. It’s likely we’ll have high-tailed it out of there before that anyway.
For those ready to take the plunge, roll up your sleeves. This could get messy.
Management malfunction
Someone, somewhere in a position of authority and decision-making is asleep at the wheel, not what they appear to be or cowering in the corner. If it’s not you, then it’s someone on your management team – or the team itself. It’s happened before: groupthink gone freakishly wrong.
One of the best ways to ferret out the f*ck up is to let people know you’re open to bribery or ass-kissing. For your efforts, by the end of the first week you should see an increase in expensive booze on your desk or a series of just-thought-you-should-know-what-a-terrific-job-you’re-doing emails. Now you fire the slug, bask in the glow of the hollow praise via email and drink that 12+ year old Scotch.
Pathetic planning
Too much can strangle, and too little can let the horses out of the barn before you want to set them free. So the horse and barn is a bad analogy – you don’t pay us enough to be that creative. Regardless of the barn, if you’ve not done your due diligence and accounted for the unexpected, you’re going to be up the creek without the proverbial canoe. Oh, you thought we were going to say paddle, right? Wrong. Without thinking about what you’re going to try to accomplish and who you’re going to accomplish it for and with, you’re not going to have a paddle or a canoe.
Preparation involves including all stakeholders in the process. All of them – even the ones you don’t think will count, the ones you don’t like and the ones you have never spoken to before (especially them). Want to streamline customer service? Try calling your own organization and see how easy it is to even get customer service, good or bad. Need to redesign a mail delivery system? Get on the cart and touch that mail, from the sorting to the delivering. Get involved, and get others involved – or get the hell out of the way of the people who can get sh*t done.
Dead weight
Just because someone was an excellent subject matter expert doesn’t mean that they’re a) still relevant b) cut out for management or c) someone that anyone gives a crap about outside of the throne they’ve constructed in their own mind. (oh come on – everyone’s done it)
There comes a time when something in the forest must die. This is how new plantings grow. We’re not telling you to arrive at the office with a machete and clean house – although it’s likely there’s at least one video game to help you with that fantasy if you’re so inclined. We suggest you take a good look at the forest and decide what, if anything, needs thinning. Then fire up that hypothetical chainsaw and make room for the people who really want to work.
Cover up
By this point in your career you’ve either covered your own ass or you’ve covered someone else’s ass. Not much happens by ass-covering, other than spreading sh*t around instead of getting it done and cleaning it up.
If someone is spending too much time covering their or someone else’s ass, chances are they’re not spending enough time doing the work they’re supposed to be doing. That includes you. If you’re an executive, you don’t have time for that crap – you probably don’t have time to chew your own food some days. And no, we’re not offering that so don’t get your hopes up. Lesson here is to make sure there aren’t any blankets around. It takes more effort to cover your ass and get your work done than it does to get your work done and deal with the sh*t if and when it hits the fan.
MacGyver syndrome
You’re not in a television show. Don’t expect someone to be able to design a ground-breaking widget with a pack of gum and a paperclip. If they say they can, shove them out the door because there’s only one Richard Dean Anderson and we’re pretty sure they aren't him.
We’re willing to bet (heavily) that you don’t have a scientist bomb-disposal technician on your team who is also a secret agent. If you do, kudos. Otherwise, don’t let anyone tell you they can do it all – unless they’ve proven they can. Remember that subject matter expert thing in the dead weight section? Well, this is why executives invented “contractors”. Hire the right person for the right job. Sounds easy, but you’d be amazed at how many people really f*ck this one up. Then you’ll never get your sh*t done.
We didn’t say we’d sugar coat it. And sometimes it takes strong language to get across a strong message – and sometimes we just don’t give a damn. But you’re used to that from us by now, right? Right.
Go pour yourself a drink. You’ll need it. We do, and it’s not our ass that’s on the line here.
~ Paige
Showing posts with label Office Language. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Office Language. Show all posts
Monday, March 1, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
pigeon hole this
The pigeon hole. The stereotype. Oh, the unspoken expectations.
They're all around us, all the time. And we can't avoid them, despite our best efforts. We try. We've hung our degree in conspicuous places; we talk about our weekend adventures and travels to far-off places. You don't listen. Or if you do, you don't care.
Whatever the reason, we're stuck in a slot somewhere between receptionist, fire fighter, strategist and gopher. Have you ever stopped to think about the knowledge we bring with us? The skills and critical thinking abilities that allow us to circumnavigate the mine field that awaits us each day? Likely not.
There's a good chance you wouldn't listen to us if we told you, so we're not going to. But if you're going to pigeon hole us, at least let us pick the hole.
Here's a list to help you understand just how deep - and dark - those pigeon holes can be.
The Cutie
Bright, bubbly and outgoing, the Cutie disarms those who approach and makes everyone feel welcome. What you don't realize is that there's a flesh-eating dragon buried beneath those dimples. You're being plotted against from the moment you lower your defenses. The Cutie is one of our deadliest assets. We'll get you while you sleep.
The Wiz
Need something fixed? Call on the Wiz. Got a noodle-scratcher and can't find your way out of that paper bag? The Wiz is there, ready and willing to lend a helping hand. You draw us close, leaning on us more heavily as each day passes. Eventually you don't even try to hide how much you rely on us. You start bragging to your colleagues. That's when we shop ourselves around for a better offer; that's when we can bring you to your knees. By then, it's too late. Ante up.
The Caregiver
Caterer bailed at the last minute? The Caregiver shows up with dozens of baked goods, saving your designer-covered ass. Maybe you had a rough day and need to debrief; we'll let you cry - or vent - on our shoulder. We're the best friend that you've taken advantage of for years, the person you cheated off during ninth-grade finals. The Caregiver provides you with whatever sustenance you need. We can also take it away at a very opportune moment - for us, that is. Remember who packs your parachute.
The Bulldozer
You've been screening your calls, when suddenly the Bulldozer appears. We dismiss the pest with one skilled flick of our sharp tongue. Maybe we delivered the bad news you've been avoiding, and now you're unbelievably grateful. Whatever the problem, we've ploughed your safe passage time and again. So often, in fact, that you've ceased looking into the surrounding jungle for danger. That's when we pounce - or threaten to let nature take its course. Better keep us around, just in case.
The Dodger
Always artful, the Dodger has an uncanny ability to tuck you away from danger at the last moment - appearing to save the day, but really just skirting the issue. In fact, we're so effective that we deflect the would-be assault and redirect it to your competitors...internal or external. Doesn't matter. What matters is that the Dodger has become your shifty defense, and you don't know how to protect yourself without us. That's fine. Just know that whatever we deflect might one day boomerang right back at you. Unless, of course, we're compenstated appropriately.
We're none of these, yet we've been slotted as each at one time or another. When we're firm, we're a Bulldozer. One the days we're happy, we're the Cutie. Perhaps you caught us side-stepping an ugly inter-office political shit storm, and you called us a Dodger. It's not important.
Ask yourself one question: could you, in all truth, do any of these things - and all of these things - every day? At any time? We can. Now give us a raise or we'll leave your pigeon hole empty. You'll be amazed at what nasty little creatures gravitate to those deep, dark holes once they're vacated.
Maybe it's better to keep us here.
Yes, that's right. Pick up the phone and call Personnel. Show us the money, honey.
~ Paige
They're all around us, all the time. And we can't avoid them, despite our best efforts. We try. We've hung our degree in conspicuous places; we talk about our weekend adventures and travels to far-off places. You don't listen. Or if you do, you don't care.
Whatever the reason, we're stuck in a slot somewhere between receptionist, fire fighter, strategist and gopher. Have you ever stopped to think about the knowledge we bring with us? The skills and critical thinking abilities that allow us to circumnavigate the mine field that awaits us each day? Likely not.
There's a good chance you wouldn't listen to us if we told you, so we're not going to. But if you're going to pigeon hole us, at least let us pick the hole.
Here's a list to help you understand just how deep - and dark - those pigeon holes can be.
The Cutie
Bright, bubbly and outgoing, the Cutie disarms those who approach and makes everyone feel welcome. What you don't realize is that there's a flesh-eating dragon buried beneath those dimples. You're being plotted against from the moment you lower your defenses. The Cutie is one of our deadliest assets. We'll get you while you sleep.
The Wiz
Need something fixed? Call on the Wiz. Got a noodle-scratcher and can't find your way out of that paper bag? The Wiz is there, ready and willing to lend a helping hand. You draw us close, leaning on us more heavily as each day passes. Eventually you don't even try to hide how much you rely on us. You start bragging to your colleagues. That's when we shop ourselves around for a better offer; that's when we can bring you to your knees. By then, it's too late. Ante up.
The Caregiver
Caterer bailed at the last minute? The Caregiver shows up with dozens of baked goods, saving your designer-covered ass. Maybe you had a rough day and need to debrief; we'll let you cry - or vent - on our shoulder. We're the best friend that you've taken advantage of for years, the person you cheated off during ninth-grade finals. The Caregiver provides you with whatever sustenance you need. We can also take it away at a very opportune moment - for us, that is. Remember who packs your parachute.
The Bulldozer
You've been screening your calls, when suddenly the Bulldozer appears. We dismiss the pest with one skilled flick of our sharp tongue. Maybe we delivered the bad news you've been avoiding, and now you're unbelievably grateful. Whatever the problem, we've ploughed your safe passage time and again. So often, in fact, that you've ceased looking into the surrounding jungle for danger. That's when we pounce - or threaten to let nature take its course. Better keep us around, just in case.
The Dodger
Always artful, the Dodger has an uncanny ability to tuck you away from danger at the last moment - appearing to save the day, but really just skirting the issue. In fact, we're so effective that we deflect the would-be assault and redirect it to your competitors...internal or external. Doesn't matter. What matters is that the Dodger has become your shifty defense, and you don't know how to protect yourself without us. That's fine. Just know that whatever we deflect might one day boomerang right back at you. Unless, of course, we're compenstated appropriately.
We're none of these, yet we've been slotted as each at one time or another. When we're firm, we're a Bulldozer. One the days we're happy, we're the Cutie. Perhaps you caught us side-stepping an ugly inter-office political shit storm, and you called us a Dodger. It's not important.
Ask yourself one question: could you, in all truth, do any of these things - and all of these things - every day? At any time? We can. Now give us a raise or we'll leave your pigeon hole empty. You'll be amazed at what nasty little creatures gravitate to those deep, dark holes once they're vacated.
Maybe it's better to keep us here.
Yes, that's right. Pick up the phone and call Personnel. Show us the money, honey.
~ Paige
Monday, January 4, 2010
office language: an interpretive guide
Language can be a slippery eel: hard to catch, and sometimes shocking when you do grab hold of it.
Most of us know a few basic phrases in another tongue, such as “where’s the restroom”, “may I have the bill” or “two beers, please”. We won’t translate those here for you – if you don’t know them by now that means you’ve done your business on the side of the road, skipped out on a meal and don’t drink beer. We’re not writing this for you. Well, maybe we are. We understand extenuating circumstances.
Every office has a unique language. Some standard office-isms apply fairly universally to all office cultures. But there are subtle nuances that make each office unique. We can often discern what type of office you’ve worked in based on the lingo you’re using.
It takes months, sometimes years to assimilate into a new office environment. Temporary staff has a tough time, and it’s for the temps of the world that we share this knowledge. You are our unsung heroes. We take you for granted and give you the crap jobs. We know it.
But we do it anyway. We can’t help it. And it's usually because you don’t know how to speak within our discourse community. It’s our distinctive neighbourhood slang, not yours. Somehow, though, the expectation is that you are the one who can and will fit in seamlessly. It’s a pretty high bar that’s set, considering we expect most of our executive team to regularly have absolutely no clue what we're talking about.
To dispel some of the mystery around a few of the more common office sub-culture lingo, we’ve compiled a list of translations from our own days of bobbing around in the auxiliary pool.
Flex day
The day taken in lieu when staff work extra hours, usually within a two-week pay period. However, these extra hours are often not worked, hence the loose translation of “I screwed the employer day”.
Increase brand recognition
Refers to the gain in popularity and/or acknowledgement of one’s 'brand' or marketable item(s). Easily confused with “Spend more time on Twitter”.
Community development
Time and effort spent working with partners or like organizations within one’s geographical or virtual community. Can also be “Go to the pub and buy local beer/wine”.
Integrated case practice
The working together of all parties or individuals affected or having impact on the success or outcome of one person/event. Has also been known as “Getting together for a big piss-up”.
Fair market evaluation
Assessment of an asset in the current economic climate, usually in competition with like assets. Could be mistaken as “Checking out guys/gals at the hotel lounge after work”.
Social media consultant/consulting
The hiring of an individual or firm to assist with better market penetration through the use of new media tools. Often misinterpreted as “Drinking in public with a recording device”.
This list is by all means not exhaustive - it only touches the tip of the proverbial iceberg. There are, however, many times that the executive (or other big cheese you are providing temporary support for) will use one or more of the office-isms above and expect you to know the real meaning behind them.
Consider yourself not only warned, but now armed.
~ Paige
Most of us know a few basic phrases in another tongue, such as “where’s the restroom”, “may I have the bill” or “two beers, please”. We won’t translate those here for you – if you don’t know them by now that means you’ve done your business on the side of the road, skipped out on a meal and don’t drink beer. We’re not writing this for you. Well, maybe we are. We understand extenuating circumstances.
Every office has a unique language. Some standard office-isms apply fairly universally to all office cultures. But there are subtle nuances that make each office unique. We can often discern what type of office you’ve worked in based on the lingo you’re using.
It takes months, sometimes years to assimilate into a new office environment. Temporary staff has a tough time, and it’s for the temps of the world that we share this knowledge. You are our unsung heroes. We take you for granted and give you the crap jobs. We know it.
But we do it anyway. We can’t help it. And it's usually because you don’t know how to speak within our discourse community. It’s our distinctive neighbourhood slang, not yours. Somehow, though, the expectation is that you are the one who can and will fit in seamlessly. It’s a pretty high bar that’s set, considering we expect most of our executive team to regularly have absolutely no clue what we're talking about.
To dispel some of the mystery around a few of the more common office sub-culture lingo, we’ve compiled a list of translations from our own days of bobbing around in the auxiliary pool.
Flex day
The day taken in lieu when staff work extra hours, usually within a two-week pay period. However, these extra hours are often not worked, hence the loose translation of “I screwed the employer day”.
Increase brand recognition
Refers to the gain in popularity and/or acknowledgement of one’s 'brand' or marketable item(s). Easily confused with “Spend more time on Twitter”.
Community development
Time and effort spent working with partners or like organizations within one’s geographical or virtual community. Can also be “Go to the pub and buy local beer/wine”.
Integrated case practice
The working together of all parties or individuals affected or having impact on the success or outcome of one person/event. Has also been known as “Getting together for a big piss-up”.
Fair market evaluation
Assessment of an asset in the current economic climate, usually in competition with like assets. Could be mistaken as “Checking out guys/gals at the hotel lounge after work”.
Social media consultant/consulting
The hiring of an individual or firm to assist with better market penetration through the use of new media tools. Often misinterpreted as “Drinking in public with a recording device”.
This list is by all means not exhaustive - it only touches the tip of the proverbial iceberg. There are, however, many times that the executive (or other big cheese you are providing temporary support for) will use one or more of the office-isms above and expect you to know the real meaning behind them.
Consider yourself not only warned, but now armed.
~ Paige
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
