Where the hell are the Jetsons when you need them?
Okay, seriously. Back in the day - when we were knee-high to a grasshopper and the world still held joy and wonder - we were told that we'd have flying machines to get to work, dishes would wash themselves and we'd have nothing to do but shop and look pretty.
Maybe that isn't your idea of fun, but we're sure as shit that we'd be pretty happy not having to come to this drudgery everyday until someone out there recognizes our magnificent linguistic prowess and gives us a three-book-deal. (in reality, we'll take a one book deal, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here)
Maybe we wouldn't be all Judy Jetson, shopping with George's credit card and sending the kids off to school. In fact, there's little chance anything like that would happen. But she did have the cutest little outfits, didn't she?
The point here is that we were sold a promise - albeit slightly unspoken - in our five-year-old suggestive state that we'd have more things automated by now, including jobs like ours. And that would leave us with more time to, well, who knows what we'd do with all that time on our hands. We've been working for eons.
According to loose promises of shows like the Jetsons, here are three things that we think should be automated. Like now.
mail
We know there are nifty little machines that fold letters, stuff them in envelopes, seal said envelopes and affix sufficient postage. We've seen them. Why pay us $X.xx/hr to stuff envelopes? If ever there was an overpaid task, this would be it. We might not make a ton of cash, but we're pretty sure there's a better way to spend our paid time than stuffing paper into envelopes and licking postage stamps. Get on it and bring automated mail to the masses.
phone
How many times have we told you that answering the phone is so 70's? We won't bug you about the fax machine (now there's a peach ripe for the pickin') if you will get off your ass and get an adequate, functioning and friendly automated telephone tree. Pony up, big britches. Besides - it'll give us a chance to test out that Christopher Walken voice-message thing.
filing
With the scanning, the email and the virtual office shit you've got going on, it's excrutiating to realize that you still have us doing filing - not to mention that you expect us to use an alphabetizer. Archaic. Get rid of the paper, save a rain forest in Brazil and join the twenty-first century before you go the way of the dodo bird.
Once you get cracking on these babies, you'll be amazed at how truly efficient we can be. The maybe - just maybe - you'll see that we are more than the envelope-stuffing, telephone-answering, file-alphabetizing eye candy you seem to think we are.
~ Paige
Showing posts with label Christopher Walken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christopher Walken. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
10 reasons our office will be more fun than yours when we're a big cheese
Everyone says they'd have a better office culture, be more fun or spend more freely when and if they get into a coveted position of power. Yeah, right. Chances are they've been so beaten down along the way that by the time they get into any management position they're hankering to make someone their bitch-slave.
It's unfortunate, but it happens. And we understand it even if we don't condone it.
But not us. If our literary empire becomes vast enough to employ more than a) ourselves and b) one other person to do the stuff we don't like and pay them really well to do it, then we're committing to having the anti-office that beats all offices.
We like top ten lists. It's a nice, even number. So here it is.
1. We will have a pet armadillo.
The armadillo is undervalued. No one knows what it really does, outside of the assignment we did in the sixth grade involving limited information in the Encyclopedia Britannica. You remember those. If you don’t, then you were born in the 80’s and shouldn’t be jaded enough to be reading our blog.
2. You can work pantless.
This one might require some negotiation, and we might end up leaving this one to offices with no windows and closed doors, or working from home. The key here is that you will have the right to come to work however you choose. If you like a suit, fill your boots. Or dress shoes, because boots don’t really work with a suit.
3. Wine will be available at lunch. Every day.
If you don’t drink, you might not want to work at our office – because we do. And we will. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine at lunch. Unless you’re in law enforcement, are a paramedic or doctor-something, or maybe working with children. Oh, wait; if you work with kids you might want more than one glass.
4. There will be a piñata at every staff meeting. Filled with little bottles of booze and those chalky candies that only come out at Halloween, Rockets.
Everybody loves a piñata. Meetings are boring, and no one pays attention. Tie engagement to a piñata and everyone’s a winner.
5. Personalizing your office will be a catered, week-long event.
Sure, you can include the framed diploma or degree. We’ve got one – but we don’t think our current work environment deserves to be graced with the degree that set us back over $17,000. But our office will embrace your personal touch. Bondage equipment is negotiable, depending on the current insurance policy.
6. The telephones will be answered by Christopher Walken.*
Who wouldn’t want to come to work and hear Christopher Walken on the telephone? We’ll have him record all voice mail messages, too. Anything he says sounds scary, or dirty.
7. Anyone can take as much vacation time as they can justify taking, while getting work done.
Why should those of us who work hard be rewarded with the same amount of paid time off as those of you who do SFA? If you don’t know what SFA is...well, enough said. You’re likely doing it.
8. When we have one, the annual retreat will involve passports.
We work hard – or at least most of us do. When we’re offered time away on the company dime, we think we deserve something a bit more than Bob’s Lost Moose Lodge and mosquito repellent. Picture white, sandy beaches. Azure water. A pool guy with serious abs to cater to our every whim and wish. Now that’s a retreat.
9. The office will hold monthly belt sander races. At a dingy pub. In a small town. And it will be counted as community development.
If this isn’t enough description, then you’ve never been to a belt sander race. Go to one and get back to us. You’ll want in.
10. Every afternoon will include a round of shooters.
Most of us hit a lull somewhere between two and three o’clock every afternoon. We’re writing this at 2:42pm during a workday. Yeah. But we wouldn’t if we were corralled into the lunch room where we put on some crazy music, dimmed the lights and did a shooter with our colleagues while shouting “Viva la revolution!” at the top of our lungs. It’s just a theory, but we’re willing to bet it’s a sound one.
And that’s just the first ten things to strike us on a Thursday afternoon while listening to the CBC and avoiding cataloguing two months worth of mileage on fleet cars. Just imagine what we can think of when we get our thinking cap on.
Maybe it’s time to come up with “10 things our office will ban when we become the big cheese”. We’ll start with banning drip coffee (in favour of employing an in-house barista).
Time for a shooter. The Jello must be firm by now.
~ Paige
* Okay, so we might not get Christopher Walken. But we're sure there are some very good impersonators out there. Who's to say, though, that Christopher won't want to be a part of our fabulous group?
It's unfortunate, but it happens. And we understand it even if we don't condone it.
But not us. If our literary empire becomes vast enough to employ more than a) ourselves and b) one other person to do the stuff we don't like and pay them really well to do it, then we're committing to having the anti-office that beats all offices.
We like top ten lists. It's a nice, even number. So here it is.
1. We will have a pet armadillo.
The armadillo is undervalued. No one knows what it really does, outside of the assignment we did in the sixth grade involving limited information in the Encyclopedia Britannica. You remember those. If you don’t, then you were born in the 80’s and shouldn’t be jaded enough to be reading our blog.
2. You can work pantless.
This one might require some negotiation, and we might end up leaving this one to offices with no windows and closed doors, or working from home. The key here is that you will have the right to come to work however you choose. If you like a suit, fill your boots. Or dress shoes, because boots don’t really work with a suit.
3. Wine will be available at lunch. Every day.
If you don’t drink, you might not want to work at our office – because we do. And we will. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine at lunch. Unless you’re in law enforcement, are a paramedic or doctor-something, or maybe working with children. Oh, wait; if you work with kids you might want more than one glass.
4. There will be a piñata at every staff meeting. Filled with little bottles of booze and those chalky candies that only come out at Halloween, Rockets.
Everybody loves a piñata. Meetings are boring, and no one pays attention. Tie engagement to a piñata and everyone’s a winner.
5. Personalizing your office will be a catered, week-long event.
Sure, you can include the framed diploma or degree. We’ve got one – but we don’t think our current work environment deserves to be graced with the degree that set us back over $17,000. But our office will embrace your personal touch. Bondage equipment is negotiable, depending on the current insurance policy.
6. The telephones will be answered by Christopher Walken.*
Who wouldn’t want to come to work and hear Christopher Walken on the telephone? We’ll have him record all voice mail messages, too. Anything he says sounds scary, or dirty.
7. Anyone can take as much vacation time as they can justify taking, while getting work done.
Why should those of us who work hard be rewarded with the same amount of paid time off as those of you who do SFA? If you don’t know what SFA is...well, enough said. You’re likely doing it.
8. When we have one, the annual retreat will involve passports.
We work hard – or at least most of us do. When we’re offered time away on the company dime, we think we deserve something a bit more than Bob’s Lost Moose Lodge and mosquito repellent. Picture white, sandy beaches. Azure water. A pool guy with serious abs to cater to our every whim and wish. Now that’s a retreat.
9. The office will hold monthly belt sander races. At a dingy pub. In a small town. And it will be counted as community development.
If this isn’t enough description, then you’ve never been to a belt sander race. Go to one and get back to us. You’ll want in.
10. Every afternoon will include a round of shooters.
Most of us hit a lull somewhere between two and three o’clock every afternoon. We’re writing this at 2:42pm during a workday. Yeah. But we wouldn’t if we were corralled into the lunch room where we put on some crazy music, dimmed the lights and did a shooter with our colleagues while shouting “Viva la revolution!” at the top of our lungs. It’s just a theory, but we’re willing to bet it’s a sound one.
And that’s just the first ten things to strike us on a Thursday afternoon while listening to the CBC and avoiding cataloguing two months worth of mileage on fleet cars. Just imagine what we can think of when we get our thinking cap on.
Maybe it’s time to come up with “10 things our office will ban when we become the big cheese”. We’ll start with banning drip coffee (in favour of employing an in-house barista).
Time for a shooter. The Jello must be firm by now.
~ Paige
* Okay, so we might not get Christopher Walken. But we're sure there are some very good impersonators out there. Who's to say, though, that Christopher won't want to be a part of our fabulous group?
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