5 pits of doom to avoid in getting sh*t done

It doesn’t take snooping around in a large organization to find inefficiencies, poor practice and policies that are just plain stupid. We’ve worked in lots of businesses; we get around. Big or small, private or public – it doesn’t really matter. There’s one common denominator we found while working our ass off in the trenches: dumb doesn’t discriminate.

From under-estimating to over-compensating, people seem to have a hard time hitting the nail anywhere near the head. No amount of fudging the numbers will help you get sh*t done when you’ve started out of the wrong gate, in the wrong shoes or with the wrong team.

You might be thinking “oh, but my organization knows what it’s doing”. Sorry, big gal/guy – chances are you’re way off base and your staff are either too a) afraid b) useless or c) busy with their own plans to overthrow your inefficient ass to tell you what’s wrong.

We care. We always have. We're here to help, believe it or not. It’s why you hired us, remember? We’re more than just a pretty face that can tie a tie (actually, we can’t tie a tie – we just keep the same one looped in a loose knot, hanging behind your closet and you’ve never noticed).

Don’t panic. Now that you know your project/assignment/whatever isn’t going to finish ahead of schedule, in the black or ever really be finished, we won’t leave you hanging. It's going to take some gonads to get the sh*t done, so if you’re not ready for that then please proceed along as ineffectually as usual – just don’t come crying to us when you’re the last one on the sinking ship. It’s likely we’ll have high-tailed it out of there before that anyway.

For those ready to take the plunge, roll up your sleeves. This could get messy.

Management malfunction

Someone, somewhere in a position of authority and decision-making is asleep at the wheel, not what they appear to be or cowering in the corner. If it’s not you, then it’s someone on your management team – or the team itself. It’s happened before: groupthink gone freakishly wrong.

One of the best ways to ferret out the f*ck up is to let people know you’re open to bribery or ass-kissing. For your efforts, by the end of the first week you should see an increase in expensive booze on your desk or a series of just-thought-you-should-know-what-a-terrific-job-you’re-doing emails. Now you fire the slug, bask in the glow of the hollow praise via email and drink that 12+ year old Scotch.


Pathetic planning

Too much can strangle, and too little can let the horses out of the barn before you want to set them free. So the horse and barn is a bad analogy – you don’t pay us enough to be that creative. Regardless of the barn, if you’ve not done your due diligence and accounted for the unexpected, you’re going to be up the creek without the proverbial canoe. Oh, you thought we were going to say paddle, right? Wrong. Without thinking about what you’re going to try to accomplish and who you’re going to accomplish it for and with, you’re not going to have a paddle or a canoe.

Preparation involves including all stakeholders in the process. All of them – even the ones you don’t think will count, the ones you don’t like and the ones you have never spoken to before (especially them). Want to streamline customer service? Try calling your own organization and see how easy it is to even get customer service, good or bad. Need to redesign a mail delivery system? Get on the cart and touch that mail, from the sorting to the delivering. Get involved, and get others involved – or get the hell out of the way of the people who can get sh*t done.


Dead weight

Just because someone was an excellent subject matter expert doesn’t mean that they’re a) still relevant b) cut out for management or c) someone that anyone gives a crap about outside of the throne they’ve constructed in their own mind. (oh come on – everyone’s done it)

There comes a time when something in the forest must die. This is how new plantings grow. We’re not telling you to arrive at the office with a machete and clean house – although it’s likely there’s at least one video game to help you with that fantasy if you’re so inclined. We suggest you take a good look at the forest and decide what, if anything, needs thinning. Then fire up that hypothetical chainsaw and make room for the people who really want to work.


Cover up

By this point in your career you’ve either covered your own ass or you’ve covered someone else’s ass. Not much happens by ass-covering, other than spreading sh*t around instead of getting it done and cleaning it up.

If someone is spending too much time covering their or someone else’s ass, chances are they’re not spending enough time doing the work they’re supposed to be doing. That includes you. If you’re an executive, you don’t have time for that crap – you probably don’t have time to chew your own food some days. And no, we’re not offering that so don’t get your hopes up. Lesson here is to make sure there aren’t any blankets around. It takes more effort to cover your ass and get your work done than it does to get your work done and deal with the sh*t if and when it hits the fan.


MacGyver syndrome

You’re not in a television show. Don’t expect someone to be able to design a ground-breaking widget with a pack of gum and a paperclip. If they say they can, shove them out the door because there’s only one Richard Dean Anderson and we’re pretty sure they aren't him.

We’re willing to bet (heavily) that you don’t have a scientist bomb-disposal technician on your team who is also a secret agent. If you do, kudos. Otherwise, don’t let anyone tell you they can do it all – unless they’ve proven they can. Remember that subject matter expert thing in the dead weight section? Well, this is why executives invented “contractors”. Hire the right person for the right job. Sounds easy, but you’d be amazed at how many people really f*ck this one up. Then you’ll never get your sh*t done.


We didn’t say we’d sugar coat it. And sometimes it takes strong language to get across a strong message – and sometimes we just don’t give a damn. But you’re used to that from us by now, right? Right.

Go pour yourself a drink. You’ll need it. We do, and it’s not our ass that’s on the line here.


~ Paige

we're sorry, the number you've reached is out of service

We have nothing particularly insightful to say today. Are you disappointed? You should be.

Yes, we promised to titillate you with tales and bring you deep inside the dark, dirty caverns of the administrative world. Well, we're not doing that today.

In fact, we're going to tell you a whole lot of what we're not doing. Starting now.


We aren't going to cry if you leave.
Things happen, people move on. That's the way the cookie crumbles, and unless we're the cookie monster and you're our crumbling cookie, your departure won't affect us negatively in the slightest.

We're not about to collect money for a lottery pool.
Why would we want to do that? Unless we can bring in a cricket mallet and threaten to break kneecaps when you don't cough up the two bucks a week, we're not in for that particularly tedious task. Go buy your own tickets.

We resign our post as coffee fund monitor.
You drink coffee. You buy coffee. It's a fairly straightforward transaction, yes? No? Well tough shit. We're not collecting for that, either. See reason noted above regarding kneecaps and the breaking of.

We're done with the dish debate.
Who's turn is it to wash the dishes? Who left the dirty dishes in the sink? We don't care. And if left up to us, we'd eat with our fingers, off our lap, and screw the dish crap entirely. The next round of dirty anything will end up in the trash. Oh, was that plate from your aunt Martha? If it was so damn important, why did it sit in the sink for three weeks and grow crusty science experiments all over it? Yeah, thought so.

We will no longer take phone messages.
There are these lovely things called voice mail messaging systems. People will use them, or people will not. Either way, we're done with the 1950's secretary bullshit. Those skirts make our thighs look fat.

We're done being your dayplanner.
Sure, we'll still plan your day. It's part of the job. But we organize it in this neat little electronic device called a calendar. You can even access it from your Blackberry / iPhone / technology thingy. Stop calling us every six minutes to find out when your next appointment is, and start using that little shiny rectangle before we confiscate it and download tons of porn for the IT department to nail you with.


Now stop interrupting us and let us get back to the things we're supposed to do. Like save your ass from being chewed out by the Board, rewrite the strategic plan, organize the annual retreat and update your membership at every club in town.

And if we hear one more call from your office asking us when your next appointment is, well...let's just say that Mike from IT owes us a favour. Or two.


~ Paige