There is no highlight reel for our past year, but if there were we would want it narrated by Christopher Walken. He can make anything sound dirty, angry or scary. We like that.
If we must look back on the past year, it's going to be through the distorted perspective of a glass of wine. Yes, it makes things better and no, we don't need an intervention. What we do need is stock options in a local winery. If someone can arrange that, please let us know.
We won't get melancholy and introspective here about how our professional life is slipping off the edge and into the Pit of Doom. There is some control left over our life, we know that. And we could walk away tomorrow if we wanted to. But this McJob is like that really comfortable pair of pants you've had for ten years: there's a bunch of *holes in inappropriate places, but you deal because you know where all the *holes are.
While we won't make you sift through a best of 2009 list, we will torment you with what we think are resolutions everyone should make for the coming year. We didn't say they would be easy; we just said everyone should make them.
- Only say 'thank-you' when you really, really mean it.
Maybe someone donated a liver and you were on a wait-list. That deserves a heartfelt thanks. But if you say the same thing to the clerk at the video rental that you would say to the person who just gave you an organ, it sucks the meaning out of it. Let's start a new trend. We'll keep 'thank-you' for the big things and 'sweet' will work for the everyday stuff. It means you might hear way more 'sweet' at the office, but you'll sound way more hip.
- Help someone get blind-stinking-fall-down drunk.
This can be anyone - someone you know, a total stranger or Clyde from Shipping. It doesn't matter. There's someone out there that needs to get a good drunk on, and you could be the person to do it. We think it would be way more fun if you get them drunk at work, too. In fact, you can start by helping us get drunk at work. Sweet.
- Remove yourself from a 'social media' list.
Facebook. Myspace. Twitter. Whateversville. Who the hell cares what you're thinking or doing, anyway? We don't. Well, we do - as long as you're reading our blog, that is. Otherwise, stop cluttering up the social media networks with your updates of "I heart u2!" and other meaningless crap. We don't care about your new dog, your new handbag or that you're on team Edward or team Jacob. Well, Jacob was significantly more hot in the chest/abdomen area for that last movie, but that's beside the point. Contribute something significant to the social media sites or get the hell out.
- Skim a little bit off the top.
This doesn't have to be in cash, although off-shore banks do like to deal in hard currency. If you work in a book store, take the odd best-seller home using the five-finger discount. Maybe you could pour yourself an extra latte at the coffee house. We'll try to do some creative accounting at work. Okay, so that's not much different than what we already do. But we'll up the ante.
- Stop being a tool.
We like this one. It could be interpreted so many ways. Maybe your organization is using you as a tool to do work you find unpleasant, or maybe you're just being a dolt. Either way, stop it. We're working for The Man, but we're like a secret agent, eroding the very foundation of the big house. Try it. It's fun.
- Listen to the smart people you hire, or stop hiring smart people.
Not sure how much more defined we need to be on this one. You hired us for a reason - and hopefully it's not just because we have a nice rack or you like the way our butt looked in those pants. Well, maybe it was. We've got a brain. You might want to listen to us occasionally. It's in your best interest. Usually.
We will celebrate the coming year by drinking overpriced bubbly in plastic cups, blowing on noisemakers and probably throwing up in the neighbour's hedge. Then, we'll be hung over. After that we'll start working on those resolutions. But not without a cocktail.
~ Paige
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