we resolve to be resolute

Tonight is not quite the last evening of the last day of the year, but it's close. Close enough to make us think about things old, new and cliche. Our beloved Internet is full of the Top Twenty, Best of 2009 lists and resolution stuffs. It's nauseating.

There is no highlight reel for our past year, but if there were we would want it narrated by Christopher Walken. He can make anything sound dirty, angry or scary. We like that.

If we must look back on the past year, it's going to be through the distorted perspective of a glass of wine. Yes, it makes things better and no, we don't need an intervention. What we do need is stock options in a local winery. If someone can arrange that, please let us know.

We won't get melancholy and introspective here about how our professional life is slipping off the edge and into the Pit of Doom. There is some control left over our life, we know that. And we could walk away tomorrow if we wanted to. But this McJob is like that really comfortable pair of pants you've had for ten years: there's a bunch of *holes in inappropriate places, but you deal because you know where all the *holes are.

While we won't make you sift through a best of 2009 list, we will torment you with what we think are resolutions everyone should make for the coming year. We didn't say they would be easy; we just said everyone should make them.

• Only say 'thank-you' when you really, really mean it.

Maybe someone donated a liver and you were on a wait-list. That deserves a heartfelt thanks. But if you say the same thing to the clerk at the video rental that you would say to the person who just gave you an organ, it sucks the meaning out of it. Let's start a new trend. We'll keep 'thank-you' for the big things and 'sweet' will work for the everyday stuff. It means you might hear way more 'sweet' at the office, but you'll sound way more hip.

• Help someone get blind-stinking-fall-down drunk.

This can be anyone - someone you know, a total stranger or Clyde from Shipping. It doesn't matter. There's someone out there that needs to get a good drunk on, and you could be the person to do it. We think it would be way more fun if you get them drunk at work, too. In fact, you can start by helping us get drunk at work. Sweet.

• Remove yourself from a 'social media' list.

Facebook. Myspace. Twitter. Whateversville. Who the hell cares what you're thinking or doing, anyway? We don't. Well, we do - as long as you're reading our blog, that is. Otherwise, stop cluttering up the social media networks with your updates of "I heart u2!" and other meaningless crap. We don't care about your new dog, your new handbag or that you're on team Edward or team Jacob. Well, Jacob was significantly more hot in the chest/abdomen area for that last movie, but that's beside the point. Contribute something significant to the social media sites or get the hell out.

• Skim a little bit off the top.

This doesn't have to be in cash, although off-shore banks do like to deal in hard currency. If you work in a book store, take the odd best-seller home using the five-finger discount. Maybe you could pour yourself an extra latte at the coffee house. We'll try to do some creative accounting at work. Okay, so that's not much different than what we already do. But we'll up the ante.

• Stop being a tool.

We like this one. It could be interpreted so many ways. Maybe your organization is using you as a tool to do work you find unpleasant, or maybe you're just being a dolt. Either way, stop it. We're working for The Man, but we're like a secret agent, eroding the very foundation of the big house. Try it. It's fun.

• Listen to the smart people you hire, or stop hiring smart people.

Not sure how much more defined we need to be on this one. You hired us for a reason - and hopefully it's not just because we have a nice rack or you like the way our butt looked in those pants. Well, maybe it was. We've got a brain. You might want to listen to us occasionally. It's in your best interest. Usually.

We will celebrate the coming year by drinking overpriced bubbly in plastic cups, blowing on noisemakers and probably throwing up in the neighbour's hedge. Then, we'll be hung over. After that we'll start working on those resolutions. But not without a cocktail.

~ Paige

the big cheese: what kind are you?

Now that we've outlined a few of the different office cultures it's time we identified another of our big challenges. You. The executive, vice-president, top banana, head-honcho.

Whatever you or your organization calls it, there's likely a big cheese floating around at the top of the heap. We're the ones who work most closely with the big cheeses, and we've discovered that cheese comes in a variety of flavours.

Now it's time to play a little game. It's called "Spot Your Cheese". We're going to list a number of types of cheese. See if you can spot your flavour among the varieties.


Cheese #1: The Aromatic Cheese

These cheeses can be pungent, usually having been heavily influenced by other strong flavours. Spending time with overpowering oaks and other loud flavours, this cheese barely retains any aroma of its original intention, instead relying on the branding of others to carry it along. Sometimes strong aromas are employed to distract us from the true flavour of the cheese, which can be very, very nauseating.


Cheese #2: The Middle-Aged Cheese

There's a time to eat an aged cheese - and that's before it becomes crumbly, bitter and grainy. You know what we're talking about. A strong, aged cheese is delicious and pairs wonderfully with a bold, full wine. But there's only a small window of opportunity when the aged cheese is at its peak. Often this cheese is kept a bit too long on the shelf, resulting in significantly unmet expectations upon consumption. When it comes time for this cheese to take centre stage and shine, we're left with nothing but crumbs and an acidic aftertaste.


Cheese #3: The Hip New Blended Cheese

We're all for experimentation, trying new things and taking a less travelled path - heck, we're even known for blazing a few of our own trails. But we can spot a hipster a mile off. Some of the new cheeses are great: dynamic, full of rich flavour and groundbreaking - for a cheese. With innovation comes imitation, and for every great new unique cheese invariably follow dozens of hipster imitators. These cheeses have usually spent a bit of time around some of the more successful blended cheeses; enough time to acquire the initial flavour, but not enough for it to sink into the core. The diversity we expect rests only on the surface. Beneath that could be just about anything, and usually is. Except, of course, for what it presents itself to be.



Cheese #4: The Cottage Cheese

Many people think they can become a great cheese - or make a great cheese. This is almost true. Without the critical elements present to make great cheese we're left with rubbery, insincere and unsubstantial cheese. And it takes more than just the right ingredients to make a good cheese. Those ingredients need to be blended in just the right mixture, aged for just the right amount of time and exposed to just the right amount of external elements to provide the perfect balance of texture, flavour and structure. If you've ever had a bad cottage cheese experience, you know just what we're talking about.


Cheese #5: The Soft Cheese

When we buy cheese, we want to know that we've bought cheese. Good or bad, we need to know it's an actual cheese. No hiding as a cream cheese, either. That's just not fair. You're either a cheese, or you're not. Make up your mind.


There are many other cheeses out there, so beware. These are only a few we've encountered at our Desk. And the cheeses above can be sneaky, pretending to be one kind when in fact they're another. Don't rely on the packaging alone. Cheese can be marketed and branded just like any other commodity.

Once you're stuck with an overpriced or misrepresented cheese, it's difficult to return. In fact, there aren't any places we can think of that will take a cheese back if you've made a poor choice. Best to just plug your nose and dive in.

After all, it's just a cheese. Life will go on after it's gone. And trust us - if it's a bad cheese, it will eventually be gone, one way or another.


~Paige