the three-penny-tip

We’re resigning.

We saw the writing on the wall from the moment our “new hire package” was lost in the mail enroute to Regional. And we warned you that it wasn’t the right fit for us right from the get-go, but you didn’t listen.

We've reached our expiration date; hell, we’re way past it. While we look upon you and your office domain with disdain, we’re quite practical: we need to eat and we need a nice (enough) place to live. Everyone knows we’re in this for the paycheque until someone pays us for our fabulous tell-all office memoir.

After spending years perfecting our resignation letter, you get the glossy product that all other supervisors / managers / executive-types didn’t get. Some of our former resignation letters had nuggets of gold, but mainly they were just gilded crap. There’s a difference between gilded crap, generic crap and stick-it-to-you-so-hard-that-you-don’t-even-notice-we’re-sticking-it-to-you. This one's the latter, and it's golden.

We know you have difficulty with big words and that the subtlety of good writing is something that eludes you. We’ll make it easy: we’ll translate.

To Whom It May Concern, (notice how we don’t even use your name?)

Please consider this letter as our resignation from our position of administrative professional with your organization, as we have accepted a position with another branch.
You think of us as dispensable, interchangeable and lesser-than, so we’re going somewhere that might not happen. Oh, but it’s still in the same large organization – that means there are people out there who we’d rather work for, which you can’t possibly imagine.


 We understand the acceptable window of notification is two weeks. Therefore, we are providing you with two week’s notice. Our last day of employment with your organization will be Wednesday March 31 2010.
If we gave a rat’s ass about you, we’d want to negotiate a transition date – considering it’s the same overarching employer. But we don’t give a rat’s ass about you. You’ll get what we give you and you’ll take it, just like we have for the past eon or so. You’re lucky we’re giving any notice at all.

We’d like to thank you for providing us with such interesting learning opportunities.
The shit we had to deal with here is unmentionable, so we won’t mention it. But we do need to acknowledge that our resiliency and mental agility was significantly increased by your lack of leadership. We had to survive, and we did. Thank you for being a f*ck up so we could learn how to deal with that.


Sincerely,


Paige Simcoe

Think of it like being in the hospitality industry – which we’re sure you never worked in because you have zero customer service skills. If you were a server, would a bigger insult be a) having someone leave you no tip or b) leaving you three pennies?

The no-tipper was dissatisfied enough to just leave without thinking about you. The three-penny-tipper thought about your horrible service so much that they chose to leave three measly pennies in spite.

We’re a three-penny-tipper on this one. Sadly, we don’t think you’ll clue in, because you never did.
 
 
~ Paige