leave it at the door, please

We know that you like to bring “all of you” to work. Not leaving parts of our own self at the door is a major component in our work life happiness, too (we can be happy at work, eventually). And yes, we know there’s more to you than the suit in front of us – we recognize that better than anyone else you work with. It goes both ways, but we’ll leave that reminder for another time.

But really, what does bringing all of you to work actually mean? Do we get to see your bunny slippers, batman pyjamas or cat-of-nine tails when we pass your open office door?

We hope not.

There are some things that should remain outside the work door if we’re going to have a relatively successful relationship with you. You know it, we know it, and now we’re going to say it.

Your new, re-discovered or recently converted to religion

Whether or not we a) believe there’s something out there other than the universe, b) subscribe to a similar religious structure or c) think the whole thing’s just a whack of hooey, the workplace isn't the best spot to delve into this discussion. Countries have warred over these topics for centuries; we usually have an hour at lunch. It ain’t the place, honey.


A proclivity for unusual bedroom activities

When it’s time for the ‘get to know your co-workers’ storytelling, we’re pretty sure the makers of that game didn’t anticipate you disclosing your love of buttless leather chaps. Not that there’s anything wrong with buttless leather chaps; it’s just that we don’t think that visual has a place around our water cooler. Keep it in your bedroom – or motel room, or apartment elevator, or other non-work-place.

Your federal / regional / municipal vote

Bleeding heart socialist or cutthroat conservative; it doesn’t matter. Aside from religion, this hot-button topic is responsible for more dissention, death and discord than the lip-sync-on-live-television debate. Cast your vote. You get one. Be happy with that.

Breeding (otherwise known as the choice to procreate and raise offspring)

Just because a woman has a uterus and a man has a penis does not mean that they will a) want to do things to each other with these parts or b) if they do mess with each others’ parts, want to have seed land in womb. You want kids? Go nuts. Leave those alone who don’t want the ‘little blessings’. Please.


Negotiating the treacherous waters of the office environment is nerve-wracking enough as it is. Don’t make us get out our unmarked van and balaclava for an intervention, deprogramming or political action. Because we will. And you’ll lose.

If you discuss any of the above no-no items, there will be consequences. Imagine how you’ll look, waking up at the family planning clinic in your buttless chaps and clutching your copy of The Watchtower. We can arrange it.

~ Paige