we're sorry, the number you've reached is out of service

We have nothing particularly insightful to say today. Are you disappointed? You should be.

Yes, we promised to titillate you with tales and bring you deep inside the dark, dirty caverns of the administrative world. Well, we're not doing that today.

In fact, we're going to tell you a whole lot of what we're not doing. Starting now.


We aren't going to cry if you leave.
Things happen, people move on. That's the way the cookie crumbles, and unless we're the cookie monster and you're our crumbling cookie, your departure won't affect us negatively in the slightest.

We're not about to collect money for a lottery pool.
Why would we want to do that? Unless we can bring in a cricket mallet and threaten to break kneecaps when you don't cough up the two bucks a week, we're not in for that particularly tedious task. Go buy your own tickets.

We resign our post as coffee fund monitor.
You drink coffee. You buy coffee. It's a fairly straightforward transaction, yes? No? Well tough shit. We're not collecting for that, either. See reason noted above regarding kneecaps and the breaking of.

We're done with the dish debate.
Who's turn is it to wash the dishes? Who left the dirty dishes in the sink? We don't care. And if left up to us, we'd eat with our fingers, off our lap, and screw the dish crap entirely. The next round of dirty anything will end up in the trash. Oh, was that plate from your aunt Martha? If it was so damn important, why did it sit in the sink for three weeks and grow crusty science experiments all over it? Yeah, thought so.

We will no longer take phone messages.
There are these lovely things called voice mail messaging systems. People will use them, or people will not. Either way, we're done with the 1950's secretary bullshit. Those skirts make our thighs look fat.

We're done being your dayplanner.
Sure, we'll still plan your day. It's part of the job. But we organize it in this neat little electronic device called a calendar. You can even access it from your Blackberry / iPhone / technology thingy. Stop calling us every six minutes to find out when your next appointment is, and start using that little shiny rectangle before we confiscate it and download tons of porn for the IT department to nail you with.


Now stop interrupting us and let us get back to the things we're supposed to do. Like save your ass from being chewed out by the Board, rewrite the strategic plan, organize the annual retreat and update your membership at every club in town.

And if we hear one more call from your office asking us when your next appointment is, well...let's just say that Mike from IT owes us a favour. Or two.


~ Paige

pigeon hole this

The pigeon hole. The stereotype. Oh, the unspoken expectations.

They're all around us, all the time. And we can't avoid them, despite our best efforts. We try. We've hung our degree in conspicuous places; we talk about our weekend adventures and travels to far-off places. You don't listen. Or if you do, you don't care.

Whatever the reason, we're stuck in a slot somewhere between receptionist, fire fighter, strategist and gopher. Have you ever stopped to think about the knowledge we bring with us? The skills and critical thinking abilities that allow us to circumnavigate the mine field that awaits us each day? Likely not.

There's a good chance you wouldn't listen to us if we told you, so we're not going to. But if you're going to pigeon hole us, at least let us pick the hole.

Here's a list to help you understand just how deep - and dark - those pigeon holes can be.


The Cutie
Bright, bubbly and outgoing, the Cutie disarms those who approach and makes everyone feel welcome. What you don't realize is that there's a flesh-eating dragon buried beneath those dimples. You're being plotted against from the moment you lower your defenses. The Cutie is one of our deadliest assets. We'll get you while you sleep.

The Wiz
Need something fixed? Call on the Wiz. Got a noodle-scratcher and can't find your way out of that paper bag? The Wiz is there, ready and willing to lend a helping hand. You draw us close, leaning on us more heavily as each day passes. Eventually you don't even try to hide how much you rely on us. You start bragging to your colleagues. That's when we shop ourselves around for a better offer; that's when we can bring you to your knees. By then, it's too late. Ante up.

The Caregiver
Caterer bailed at the last minute? The Caregiver shows up with dozens of baked goods, saving your designer-covered ass. Maybe you had a rough day and need to debrief; we'll let you cry - or vent - on our shoulder. We're the best friend that you've taken advantage of for years, the person you cheated off during ninth-grade finals. The Caregiver provides you with whatever sustenance you need. We can also take it away at a very opportune moment - for us, that is. Remember who packs your parachute.

The Bulldozer
You've been screening your calls, when suddenly the Bulldozer appears. We dismiss the pest with one skilled flick of our sharp tongue. Maybe we delivered the bad news you've been avoiding, and now you're unbelievably grateful. Whatever the problem, we've ploughed your safe passage time and again. So often, in fact, that you've ceased looking into the surrounding jungle for danger. That's when we pounce - or threaten to let nature take its course. Better keep us around, just in case.

The Dodger
Always artful, the Dodger has an uncanny ability to tuck you away from danger at the last moment - appearing to save the day, but really just skirting the issue. In fact, we're so effective that we deflect the would-be assault and redirect it to your competitors...internal or external. Doesn't matter. What matters is that the Dodger has become your shifty defense, and you don't know how to protect yourself without us. That's fine. Just know that whatever we deflect might one day boomerang right back at you. Unless, of course, we're compenstated appropriately.


We're none of these, yet we've been slotted as each at one time or another. When we're firm, we're a Bulldozer. One the days we're happy, we're the Cutie. Perhaps you caught us side-stepping an ugly inter-office political shit storm, and you called us a Dodger. It's not important.

Ask yourself one question: could you, in all truth, do any of these things - and all of these things - every day? At any time? We can. Now give us a raise or we'll leave your pigeon hole empty. You'll be amazed at what nasty little creatures gravitate to those deep, dark holes once they're vacated.

Maybe it's better to keep us here.

Yes, that's right. Pick up the phone and call Personnel. Show us the money, honey.


~ Paige

putting the ship in leadership

We know you've waited for this for a long, long time. Well, at least since September 2009 when we started this blog. Then we hit a hiccup and didn't blog for a while (check the archives). Finally we were ticked off enough to start blogging again. So here we are. What the hell were we saying? Right. The thing you waited for.

It's what you were waiting for before you even knew you were waiting for it. Another blog on leadership. But this isn't just any leadership, see. It's leadership in a language you can understand.

You have a hard time with big words sometimes. We understand. Un-der-stand. So we took a long, hard look at what some of our common denominators were to better communicate with you. The list was short. It was either blockbuster movies of the 90's (because who could avoid them - then, or now on repeat over public broadcasting stations) or Twinkies.

We're sure there's a deep Twinkie philosophy buried in there somewhere, but we thought it might be a bit elevated for your vocabulary. Vo-cab-u-lary. The words you know. Yeah, that's it. Good for you!

That left us with movies from the 90's. There were a number of movies that could fit the bill, but only one stood out. It had everything: guns, tough guys, gals in tight black pleather and awesome visual effects (pretty pictures). And a hero that said "woah".

Welcome to Leadership: Matrix Style.

We took some of the more memorable one-liners and broke them down for the leadership gems that we know they are - in some cases, we made them a bit more leadership adaptable. A-dapt-able. And of course you already know all of these things - you're very smart. Just consider this a bit of a refresher course. Re-fre...oh, nevermind. Just read.


What happened, happened, and it couldn't have happened any other way.
Some may call this circular reasoning, but we call it making the ends justify the means. It's how you explain things not going according to the five year plan. You did a five year plan, right?

How do I know? I know because I'm supposed to know. It's my purpose.
This is a little like those pesky mathematicians when they're asked to define something really, really hard. Their answer: by definition. Since that was taken, we decided this line would be an acceptable substitute.

Not everyone believes what I believe. My beliefs don't require them to.
There's something in here about making the rules of the game fit your style of play, we're sure of it. But we're not sports-game people so we can't write a good sports metaphor for it. Met-a-phor. Go local sporting team.

Why am I here? Same reason as you. I love candy.
When in need of a solid deflection, this one's a good one. It asks the questioner to think about their own reason for being where they are. But not too closely, or they might find a level of discontent. Candy is the well-placed distraction. Have a bowl handy, just in case.

We're only what we're meant to do.
This is one of our favourites. Initially, it could be taken as an uplifting message for someone who might be a bit down on not getting a task completed, or not making it off off Broadway. However, if you look closely, you'll find that it's a nice little limiting phrase. They'll walk away scratching their noodle, for sure. Cookie?

There are only two possible explanations: either no one told me, or no one knows.
If there was ever take-charge kind of statement, this is it. Obviously, you know everything that goes on in your organization. Of course. If not, well, see the explanation above. Circular reasoning, welcome back.

There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept.
Think you know your bottom line? Truly? How low is your bottom line? Oh, come on - you can go lower than that. We know you can. We saw you do that trick at the retreat. You know, the one with the pool cue, toilet seat cover and the dixie cups? Lester had the incident with the hairball after that...

Choice; the problem is choice.
Indecision is a kill joy. Nothing interrupts a good strategic plan like choice. Then you have to consult, and talk to people - maybe even do some revising. Who has time for that? You have a company to run. We recognize that. And so, when all else fails, blame choice. What is choice, anyway? It's neither one or the other. Can't even make up its mind. Huh. Don't you hate that?

Time is always against us. Please, take a seat there.
Enough said.


~ Paige

10 reasons our office will be more fun than yours when we're a big cheese

Everyone says they'd have a better office culture, be more fun or spend more freely when and if they get into a coveted position of power. Yeah, right. Chances are they've been so beaten down along the way that by the time they get into any management position they're hankering to make someone their bitch-slave.

It's unfortunate, but it happens. And we understand it even if we don't condone it.

But not us. If our literary empire becomes vast enough to employ more than a) ourselves and b) one other person to do the stuff we don't like and pay them really well to do it, then we're committing to having the anti-office that beats all offices.

We like top ten lists. It's a nice, even number. So here it is.


1. We will have a pet armadillo.
The armadillo is undervalued. No one knows what it really does, outside of the assignment we did in the sixth grade involving limited information in the Encyclopedia Britannica. You remember those. If you don’t, then you were born in the 80’s and shouldn’t be jaded enough to be reading our blog.

2. You can work pantless.
This one might require some negotiation, and we might end up leaving this one to offices with no windows and closed doors, or working from home. The key here is that you will have the right to come to work however you choose. If you like a suit, fill your boots. Or dress shoes, because boots don’t really work with a suit.

3. Wine will be available at lunch. Every day.
If you don’t drink, you might not want to work at our office – because we do. And we will. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine at lunch. Unless you’re in law enforcement, are a paramedic or doctor-something, or maybe working with children. Oh, wait; if you work with kids you might want more than one glass.

4. There will be a piñata at every staff meeting. Filled with little bottles of booze and those chalky candies that only come out at Halloween, Rockets.
Everybody loves a piñata. Meetings are boring, and no one pays attention. Tie engagement to a piñata and everyone’s a winner.

5. Personalizing your office will be a catered, week-long event.
Sure, you can include the framed diploma or degree. We’ve got one – but we don’t think our current work environment deserves to be graced with the degree that set us back over $17,000. But our office will embrace your personal touch. Bondage equipment is negotiable, depending on the current insurance policy.

6. The telephones will be answered by Christopher Walken.*
Who wouldn’t want to come to work and hear Christopher Walken on the telephone? We’ll have him record all voice mail messages, too. Anything he says sounds scary, or dirty.

7. Anyone can take as much vacation time as they can justify taking, while getting work done.
Why should those of us who work hard be rewarded with the same amount of paid time off as those of you who do SFA? If you don’t know what SFA is...well, enough said. You’re likely doing it.

8. When we have one, the annual retreat will involve passports.
We work hard – or at least most of us do. When we’re offered time away on the company dime, we think we deserve something a bit more than Bob’s Lost Moose Lodge and mosquito repellent. Picture white, sandy beaches. Azure water. A pool guy with serious abs to cater to our every whim and wish. Now that’s a retreat.

9. The office will hold monthly belt sander races. At a dingy pub. In a small town. And it will be counted as community development.
If this isn’t enough description, then you’ve never been to a belt sander race. Go to one and get back to us. You’ll want in.

10. Every afternoon will include a round of shooters.
Most of us hit a lull somewhere between two and three o’clock every afternoon. We’re writing this at 2:42pm during a workday. Yeah. But we wouldn’t if we were corralled into the lunch room where we put on some crazy music, dimmed the lights and did a shooter with our colleagues while shouting “Viva la revolution!” at the top of our lungs. It’s just a theory, but we’re willing to bet it’s a sound one.


And that’s just the first ten things to strike us on a Thursday afternoon while listening to the CBC and avoiding cataloguing two months worth of mileage on fleet cars. Just imagine what we can think of when we get our thinking cap on.

Maybe it’s time to come up with “10 things our office will ban when we become the big cheese”. We’ll start with banning drip coffee (in favour of employing an in-house barista).

Time for a shooter. The Jello must be firm by now.


~ Paige


* Okay, so we might not get Christopher Walken. But we're sure there are some very good impersonators out there. Who's to say, though, that Christopher won't want to be a part of our fabulous group?

office language: an interpretive guide

Language can be a slippery eel: hard to catch, and sometimes shocking when you do grab hold of it.

Most of us know a few basic phrases in another tongue, such as “where’s the restroom”, “may I have the bill” or “two beers, please”. We won’t translate those here for you – if you don’t know them by now that means you’ve done your business on the side of the road, skipped out on a meal and don’t drink beer. We’re not writing this for you. Well, maybe we are. We understand extenuating circumstances.

Every office has a unique language. Some standard office-isms apply fairly universally to all office cultures. But there are subtle nuances that make each office unique. We can often discern what type of office you’ve worked in based on the lingo you’re using.

It takes months, sometimes years to assimilate into a new office environment. Temporary staff has a tough time, and it’s for the temps of the world that we share this knowledge. You are our unsung heroes. We take you for granted and give you the crap jobs. We know it.

But we do it anyway. We can’t help it. And it's usually because you don’t know how to speak within our discourse community. It’s our distinctive neighbourhood slang, not yours. Somehow, though, the expectation is that you are the one who can and will fit in seamlessly. It’s a pretty high bar that’s set, considering we expect most of our executive team to regularly have absolutely no clue what we're talking about.

To dispel some of the mystery around a few of the more common office sub-culture lingo, we’ve compiled a list of translations from our own days of bobbing around in the auxiliary pool.

Flex day
The day taken in lieu when staff work extra hours, usually within a two-week pay period. However, these extra hours are often not worked, hence the loose translation of “I screwed the employer day”.

Increase brand recognition
Refers to the gain in popularity and/or acknowledgement of one’s 'brand' or marketable item(s). Easily confused with “Spend more time on Twitter”.

Community development
Time and effort spent working with partners or like organizations within one’s geographical or virtual community. Can also be “Go to the pub and buy local beer/wine”.

Integrated case practice
The working together of all parties or individuals affected or having impact on the success or outcome of one person/event. Has also been known as “Getting together for a big piss-up”.

Fair market evaluation
Assessment of an asset in the current economic climate, usually in competition with like assets. Could be mistaken as “Checking out guys/gals at the hotel lounge after work”.

Social media consultant/consulting
The hiring of an individual or firm to assist with better market penetration through the use of new media tools. Often misinterpreted as “Drinking in public with a recording device”.


This list is by all means not exhaustive - it only touches the tip of the proverbial iceberg. There are, however, many times that the executive (or other big cheese you are providing temporary support for) will use one or more of the office-isms above and expect you to know the real meaning behind them.

Consider yourself not only warned, but now armed.


~ Paige