It happened yesterday. We've been waiting for it to happen since early last week; we're pretty surprised that it took six days, actually. And since yesterday it's happened four times. Four. Shit.
It's the 'employee-didn't-leave-the-company-just-moved-to-another-job-so-we-can-still-ask-them-questions-about-their-old-job' bullshit.
Considering we work for The Man, we shouldn't be surprised that this crap is going on. If we'd left the organization to start a cult in Poland, this wouldn't happen. Does anyone start cults in Poland? Likely not. It gets pretty damn cold there.
Since it's beyond the faking-our-own-death stage, we thought it might be helpful to share with others our unique insight and perspective on this matter. (Okay, fine - this is just a forum for us to vent and rant and we don't give a shit what you think. It makes us feel better to share, so we're going to.)
(email sample #1)
Hi Paige. Just doing a coding block to get this invoice paid and I don't know where you kept the old ones. When you get a minute, could you let me know? Super thanks!
Reply: Have you looked in the filing cabinet or in the electronic filing? Gotta run - we're in training here. Good luck.
(email sample #2)
Hi Paige. About that coding block, thanks! I didn't even think to look in the cabinet. D'uh! Anyways, where do you keep your accounting binder? You know, the one with all the codes we need to use? Super thanks!
Reply: Have you looked on the desk? There's only one binder on the desk. That should be it. We really have to go. Best of luck sorting it out. PS: did you read the note we left? It should explain where everything is.
(email sample #3)
Hi Paige! Hope your training is going well. Yeah, I got the binder - I didn't think it was the right one because it had alphabetical tabs in it. But now that I think about it, that makes sense - way easier to find stuff. Thanks! Oh, by the way, that guy called back and wanted to know what to do about the burnt out light in the hallway. Super thanks!
Reply: Seriously? Change the fucking bulb.
(email sample #4)
Hey, Paige...that was kinda harsh. Is everything alright? I know it must be tough to have to learn all that new stuff and everything. If you need to talk to someone, let me know.
Reply: We're currently out of the office, return date as yet unknown. Our email is not being forwarded in our absence.
~ Paige
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
thirty seconds in the file room
(inane office dialogue on a rainy Tuesday afternoon)
Colleague: So, like, we only get sick days and vacation days? Don't we get, like appointment days?
Us: What do you mean?
Colleague: Like, days off for appointments and stuff?
Us: Pretty sure you won't get an entire day off for an appointment.
Colleague: Really?
Us: Yep. Maybe you should look at the employee manual.
Colleague: What's that?
Us: The thing you got when you were hired.
Colleague: Oh. I gave all that stuff to my mom.
Us: Why?
Colleague: She does that stuff for me.
Us: What stuff?
Colleague: You know, look after the stuff I need to know.
Us: But it's your job, not hers. Right?
Colleague: Yeah, well, whatever.
Us: So, if you have a question about your job, you'll call your mom?
Colleague: No. I'll just ask you.
Us: Uh, no you won't.
Colleague: Why not?
Us: 'Cause we're not your mom. What the hell do you think you're getting paid for? Wake up, darlin. No one gives a shit about you here.
Colleague: So, like, we only get sick days and vacation days? Don't we get, like appointment days?
Us: What do you mean?
Colleague: Like, days off for appointments and stuff?
Us: Pretty sure you won't get an entire day off for an appointment.
Colleague: Really?
Us: Yep. Maybe you should look at the employee manual.
Colleague: What's that?
Us: The thing you got when you were hired.
Colleague: Oh. I gave all that stuff to my mom.
Us: Why?
Colleague: She does that stuff for me.
Us: What stuff?
Colleague: You know, look after the stuff I need to know.
Us: But it's your job, not hers. Right?
Colleague: Yeah, well, whatever.
Us: So, if you have a question about your job, you'll call your mom?
Colleague: No. I'll just ask you.
Us: Uh, no you won't.
Colleague: Why not?
Us: 'Cause we're not your mom. What the hell do you think you're getting paid for? Wake up, darlin. No one gives a shit about you here.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
automate this
Where the hell are the Jetsons when you need them?
Okay, seriously. Back in the day - when we were knee-high to a grasshopper and the world still held joy and wonder - we were told that we'd have flying machines to get to work, dishes would wash themselves and we'd have nothing to do but shop and look pretty.
Maybe that isn't your idea of fun, but we're sure as shit that we'd be pretty happy not having to come to this drudgery everyday until someone out there recognizes our magnificent linguistic prowess and gives us a three-book-deal. (in reality, we'll take a one book deal, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here)
Maybe we wouldn't be all Judy Jetson, shopping with George's credit card and sending the kids off to school. In fact, there's little chance anything like that would happen. But she did have the cutest little outfits, didn't she?
The point here is that we were sold a promise - albeit slightly unspoken - in our five-year-old suggestive state that we'd have more things automated by now, including jobs like ours. And that would leave us with more time to, well, who knows what we'd do with all that time on our hands. We've been working for eons.
According to loose promises of shows like the Jetsons, here are three things that we think should be automated. Like now.
mail
We know there are nifty little machines that fold letters, stuff them in envelopes, seal said envelopes and affix sufficient postage. We've seen them. Why pay us $X.xx/hr to stuff envelopes? If ever there was an overpaid task, this would be it. We might not make a ton of cash, but we're pretty sure there's a better way to spend our paid time than stuffing paper into envelopes and licking postage stamps. Get on it and bring automated mail to the masses.
phone
How many times have we told you that answering the phone is so 70's? We won't bug you about the fax machine (now there's a peach ripe for the pickin') if you will get off your ass and get an adequate, functioning and friendly automated telephone tree. Pony up, big britches. Besides - it'll give us a chance to test out that Christopher Walken voice-message thing.
filing
With the scanning, the email and the virtual office shit you've got going on, it's excrutiating to realize that you still have us doing filing - not to mention that you expect us to use an alphabetizer. Archaic. Get rid of the paper, save a rain forest in Brazil and join the twenty-first century before you go the way of the dodo bird.
Once you get cracking on these babies, you'll be amazed at how truly efficient we can be. The maybe - just maybe - you'll see that we are more than the envelope-stuffing, telephone-answering, file-alphabetizing eye candy you seem to think we are.
~ Paige
Okay, seriously. Back in the day - when we were knee-high to a grasshopper and the world still held joy and wonder - we were told that we'd have flying machines to get to work, dishes would wash themselves and we'd have nothing to do but shop and look pretty.
Maybe that isn't your idea of fun, but we're sure as shit that we'd be pretty happy not having to come to this drudgery everyday until someone out there recognizes our magnificent linguistic prowess and gives us a three-book-deal. (in reality, we'll take a one book deal, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here)
Maybe we wouldn't be all Judy Jetson, shopping with George's credit card and sending the kids off to school. In fact, there's little chance anything like that would happen. But she did have the cutest little outfits, didn't she?
The point here is that we were sold a promise - albeit slightly unspoken - in our five-year-old suggestive state that we'd have more things automated by now, including jobs like ours. And that would leave us with more time to, well, who knows what we'd do with all that time on our hands. We've been working for eons.
According to loose promises of shows like the Jetsons, here are three things that we think should be automated. Like now.
We know there are nifty little machines that fold letters, stuff them in envelopes, seal said envelopes and affix sufficient postage. We've seen them. Why pay us $X.xx/hr to stuff envelopes? If ever there was an overpaid task, this would be it. We might not make a ton of cash, but we're pretty sure there's a better way to spend our paid time than stuffing paper into envelopes and licking postage stamps. Get on it and bring automated mail to the masses.
phone
How many times have we told you that answering the phone is so 70's? We won't bug you about the fax machine (now there's a peach ripe for the pickin') if you will get off your ass and get an adequate, functioning and friendly automated telephone tree. Pony up, big britches. Besides - it'll give us a chance to test out that Christopher Walken voice-message thing.
filing
With the scanning, the email and the virtual office shit you've got going on, it's excrutiating to realize that you still have us doing filing - not to mention that you expect us to use an alphabetizer. Archaic. Get rid of the paper, save a rain forest in Brazil and join the twenty-first century before you go the way of the dodo bird.
Once you get cracking on these babies, you'll be amazed at how truly efficient we can be. The maybe - just maybe - you'll see that we are more than the envelope-stuffing, telephone-answering, file-alphabetizing eye candy you seem to think we are.
~ Paige
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