Working gets a bad rap. We didn't say it was always undeserved. Sure, there are times when the office is a place of inspiration. But mainly we find it a place of soul-sucking, personality-draining, addiction-inducing blandness. How do you think places like Winners survive? It's not all soccer moms that shop there, you know. Besides - usually soccer moms can afford full retail on those designer handbags.
Okay, okay - enough with the stereotyping and retail-bashing. For this post, anyway. And we apologize to any soccer moms we may have offended. Many of you are stellar, truly. Having kids and doing the yummy mummy thing must be difficult. We applaud your efforts at side-stepping the cougar world for a few more years. Well done.
Where were we? Oh, right. The black hole that is the office. We're not sure that it's entirely the fault of the workplace that it gets a bad rap; some blame rests with the days themselves. How can we expect to have a spectacular day when the world tells us that Monday's are supposed to suck lizard tails? We're doomed from the moment we put our sensible shoes in the bottom drawer and pull out those three-inch heels.
It's all about branding. So let's re-brand the work week. We're not talking about dismissing the Monday to Friday thing; we'd like that, but that's a pretty big apple to take a bite out of. No, we'd like to re-brand the expectations we have of weekdays. So here's our first kick at the can. Please add as you see fit.
Monday
Instead of bemoaning the onset of Monday, how about we celebrate its innocence? Monday is like that field of snow before the first footprint, the pristine sand left behind when the tide goes out, the quicksand before you sink. It's not the day itself that sucks - just what usually happens around it that does.
Tuesday
Often overshadowed by older sibling Monday and usurped by middle child Wednesday, Tuesday has sunk into a slump. But Tuesday has its own value to add. Isn't Tuesday traditionally the day of the two-for deal? Let's make Tuesday an all-day two-for. Everything in doubles. That would make pub night way more fun.
Wednesday
Yes, Wednesday goes by the nickname "hump day". We're pretty sure a dude made that one up because it's so predictable. Maybe Wednesday wants to be more subtle. Perhaps straddle day...
Thursday
If there's a day that nothing happens, it's usually Thursday. Almost the weekend but not quite, and it's just after you straddled the week. You're tired, likely sore from the straddling, and you're looking forward to an adult beverage. We like to think of Thursday as Thirsty Thursday. Gets the motor going for the weekend.
Friday
You've been there: in the office, twiddling your thumbs or trying to look busy for the last two hours of a Friday, keeping under the radar...and then the shit hits the fan. Friday isn't the cakewalk everyone makes it out to be. It's a fraud. There's a word we can think of for Friday, and it rhymes with pucked. Figure it out.
So now that it's pucked Friday, go have yourself a drink. Unless you were one of the cheese-asses that left early. If so, you get to order the first - no, first and second - round at the pub.
~Paige
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
leadership by iconic - or, at least, memorable - figures
Despite what the woman with the great legs said (the awesome Tina Turner), we do need antoher hero. We're just not sure the leadership hero can be succinctly packaged into one human body. It's too much good stuff crammed into one tiny space.
But we think you can learn from those who have walked before you. Consider this the Cole's Notes version of Leadership 101. And you know how effective those little books were, don't you.
One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.
~George W. Bush
If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, by all means baffle them with bullshit. It seemed to work as a good strategy for a certain elected official, and for more than one term. The increased use of multi-syllabic words can confound, and can often instil that intrinsic sense of leadership your minions should come to expect of you.
Next time you go out for dinner, have a look around the table and if everyone is on your payroll, the chances are you have become a jerk.
~Bono
Sometimes we don't have the heart to tell you, and maybe you wouldn't listen if we tried. So take Bono's advice. Lots of people have. Besides, he makes zillions of dollars so he's gotta be sort of smart, right?
As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what it is exactly that the VP does every day?
~Sarah Palin
We'd like to think that if you're a) running for the job or b) applying for the job, that you either a) know what the hell you're doing or b) can snow us well enough that we can't see the difference when you don't. Maybe we should hire Oscar winning actors. We thought Morgan Freeman made a good elected official. And anything he says just sounds smart.
I don't remember anybody's name. How do you think the 'dahling' thing got started?
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
So maybe Zsa Zsa came about before the whole equitable workplace thing and the anti-sexual harassment training. But she's awesome and has a cute accent. If you can get away with viewing your employees as monochromatic fodder - but make it sound adorable - we say go ahead and try.
I mean, there's no arguing. There is no anything. There is no beating around the bush. 'Your're fired' is a very strong term.
~Donald Trump
We're not sure what things transpired, but it seemed to work for the Donald. And in front of millins of witnesses, too.
Having hit a wall, the next logical step is to not bang our heads against it.
~Stephen Harper
Pointing out the obvious is always an indicator of strong leadership. We might suggest you reference the first example and add a few bigger words to give yourself some big word cred.
This doesn't happen when they use guns.
~Charlton Heston
We couldn't say it any better than the NRA lovin' dude himself.
~ Paige
But we think you can learn from those who have walked before you. Consider this the Cole's Notes version of Leadership 101. And you know how effective those little books were, don't you.
One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.
~George W. Bush
If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, by all means baffle them with bullshit. It seemed to work as a good strategy for a certain elected official, and for more than one term. The increased use of multi-syllabic words can confound, and can often instil that intrinsic sense of leadership your minions should come to expect of you.
Next time you go out for dinner, have a look around the table and if everyone is on your payroll, the chances are you have become a jerk.
~Bono
Sometimes we don't have the heart to tell you, and maybe you wouldn't listen if we tried. So take Bono's advice. Lots of people have. Besides, he makes zillions of dollars so he's gotta be sort of smart, right?
As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what it is exactly that the VP does every day?
~Sarah Palin
We'd like to think that if you're a) running for the job or b) applying for the job, that you either a) know what the hell you're doing or b) can snow us well enough that we can't see the difference when you don't. Maybe we should hire Oscar winning actors. We thought Morgan Freeman made a good elected official. And anything he says just sounds smart.
I don't remember anybody's name. How do you think the 'dahling' thing got started?
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
So maybe Zsa Zsa came about before the whole equitable workplace thing and the anti-sexual harassment training. But she's awesome and has a cute accent. If you can get away with viewing your employees as monochromatic fodder - but make it sound adorable - we say go ahead and try.
I mean, there's no arguing. There is no anything. There is no beating around the bush. 'Your're fired' is a very strong term.
~Donald Trump
We're not sure what things transpired, but it seemed to work for the Donald. And in front of millins of witnesses, too.
Having hit a wall, the next logical step is to not bang our heads against it.
~Stephen Harper
Pointing out the obvious is always an indicator of strong leadership. We might suggest you reference the first example and add a few bigger words to give yourself some big word cred.
This doesn't happen when they use guns.
~Charlton Heston
We couldn't say it any better than the NRA lovin' dude himself.
~ Paige
Monday, February 1, 2010
guide to surviving workplace zombies
Let's get this out in the open right now: no, we haven't watched Zombieland or read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. We did read Pride and Prejudice, so we've got a wee bit of a crush on Mr. Darcy. But who doesn't?
The zombie has been around for as long as we've had corporate head offices, lunch room shenanigans and office politics. Probably longer, but now that they've found an orchard full of ripe fruit, they're digging in their heels and getting themselves planted. It's scary out there.
For those of you trying to stave off the office zombie attack, and who can't ditch the nine-to-fiver just yet, we offer this handy survival guide. We haven't read any others - it's just stuff we've stumbled upon ourselves while trying to maintain our own non-zombieness. It ain't easy being flesh when you're surrounded by the undead. We know. We've been there. Hell, we're there right now. So listen close.
A zombie doesn't drink
If you find yourself about to be zombified, invite the zombie to a "let's get to know each other better" lunch. Discretely slip an ounce of booze into her/his glass. Nothing will happen - immediately. You'll have about ten minutes to get to the safety zone before the zombie's head explodes. It's wicked cool when it does. Just make sure you didn't let the zombie drive you to lunch, or you'll be thumbing a ride back to the office.
The zombie dislikes informative radio
Most office zombies listen to whatever Canadian or Americal Idol crap is playing. We're not saying these television shows are ridiculous piles of shit - we're sure there are some awesome singers or performers that join up with this tripe. That's too bad. But if you find a zombie lingering around your workstation, it's likely that you have some sort of popular garbage playing which they find apppealing. Save yourself and tune into NPR or the CBC. Trust us. Not only will you not become a zombie, you might just learn some shit at the same time. Cool.
Zombies can't live without attention
Ignoring them yourself won't make them go away. We've tried that, and we almost became one of the bastards, too. No, zombies need to be ignored en masse. That's right - identify (to a trusted few) that the person is in fact a zombie, and get some colleagues to collectively ignore her/his attempts at contact. Those bad boys will wither up and die. Makes a hell of a mess for the janitorial staff, but they don't mind. We've asked. They'd rather sweep up an ashy pile of zombie bits than have the day shift become zombies.
A zombie is unable to take criticism
We're not suggesting you just attack anyone who you think might be a zombie, running rampant around the office and undermining work at large. It's fun, but it won't help you fight the zombie. What you should do is carefully and thoroughly criticize the zombie's suggestions and work. Eventually, the zombie will have the equivalent of what we call "a crisis of conscience". Since they don't have a conscience, you're not doing any harm, really. Like the attention thing, the zombie will collapse into a pile of ash. Sweep away.
The zombie can't confront another zombie about his/her zombieness
This one's trickier, but the pay out is worth the effort. Get two zombies in a room - with other non-zombie types as a distraction - and guide the conversation so that the two zombies are pitched in battle, defending their viewpoint, idea, whatever. Like in the booze example, you might want to stand back for this one. It'll get ugly. We can't describe it, but it's something everyone has to see at least once.
Zombies can't skate
Easy enough. Get a zombie on a patch of ice and watch them fall. Their hand-eye coordination sucks, so they'll tumble almost immediately. And because of this sucking of hand-eye coordination, the zombie won't have the foresight or ability to block their fall, leaving the vulnerable head available for splattering on the hard surface. Again, this can be messy. Stand back.
Now that you know a bit about surviving zombies in the workplace, go find yourself a zombie and practice. Don't worry about hurting them or their feelings. They don't feel pain like we do, and they have no feelings.
That's why they're zombies, silly.
~Paige
The zombie has been around for as long as we've had corporate head offices, lunch room shenanigans and office politics. Probably longer, but now that they've found an orchard full of ripe fruit, they're digging in their heels and getting themselves planted. It's scary out there.
For those of you trying to stave off the office zombie attack, and who can't ditch the nine-to-fiver just yet, we offer this handy survival guide. We haven't read any others - it's just stuff we've stumbled upon ourselves while trying to maintain our own non-zombieness. It ain't easy being flesh when you're surrounded by the undead. We know. We've been there. Hell, we're there right now. So listen close.
A zombie doesn't drink
If you find yourself about to be zombified, invite the zombie to a "let's get to know each other better" lunch. Discretely slip an ounce of booze into her/his glass. Nothing will happen - immediately. You'll have about ten minutes to get to the safety zone before the zombie's head explodes. It's wicked cool when it does. Just make sure you didn't let the zombie drive you to lunch, or you'll be thumbing a ride back to the office.
The zombie dislikes informative radio
Most office zombies listen to whatever Canadian or Americal Idol crap is playing. We're not saying these television shows are ridiculous piles of shit - we're sure there are some awesome singers or performers that join up with this tripe. That's too bad. But if you find a zombie lingering around your workstation, it's likely that you have some sort of popular garbage playing which they find apppealing. Save yourself and tune into NPR or the CBC. Trust us. Not only will you not become a zombie, you might just learn some shit at the same time. Cool.
Zombies can't live without attention
Ignoring them yourself won't make them go away. We've tried that, and we almost became one of the bastards, too. No, zombies need to be ignored en masse. That's right - identify (to a trusted few) that the person is in fact a zombie, and get some colleagues to collectively ignore her/his attempts at contact. Those bad boys will wither up and die. Makes a hell of a mess for the janitorial staff, but they don't mind. We've asked. They'd rather sweep up an ashy pile of zombie bits than have the day shift become zombies.
A zombie is unable to take criticism
We're not suggesting you just attack anyone who you think might be a zombie, running rampant around the office and undermining work at large. It's fun, but it won't help you fight the zombie. What you should do is carefully and thoroughly criticize the zombie's suggestions and work. Eventually, the zombie will have the equivalent of what we call "a crisis of conscience". Since they don't have a conscience, you're not doing any harm, really. Like the attention thing, the zombie will collapse into a pile of ash. Sweep away.
The zombie can't confront another zombie about his/her zombieness
This one's trickier, but the pay out is worth the effort. Get two zombies in a room - with other non-zombie types as a distraction - and guide the conversation so that the two zombies are pitched in battle, defending their viewpoint, idea, whatever. Like in the booze example, you might want to stand back for this one. It'll get ugly. We can't describe it, but it's something everyone has to see at least once.
Zombies can't skate
Easy enough. Get a zombie on a patch of ice and watch them fall. Their hand-eye coordination sucks, so they'll tumble almost immediately. And because of this sucking of hand-eye coordination, the zombie won't have the foresight or ability to block their fall, leaving the vulnerable head available for splattering on the hard surface. Again, this can be messy. Stand back.
Now that you know a bit about surviving zombies in the workplace, go find yourself a zombie and practice. Don't worry about hurting them or their feelings. They don't feel pain like we do, and they have no feelings.
That's why they're zombies, silly.
~Paige
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