We know that you like to bring “all of you” to work. Not leaving parts of our own self at the door is a major component in our work life happiness, too (we can be happy at work, eventually). And yes, we know there’s more to you than the suit in front of us – we recognize that better than anyone else you work with. It goes both ways, but we’ll leave that reminder for another time.
But really, what does bringing all of you to work actually mean? Do we get to see your bunny slippers, batman pyjamas or cat-of-nine tails when we pass your open office door?
We hope not.
There are some things that should remain outside the work door if we’re going to have a relatively successful relationship with you. You know it, we know it, and now we’re going to say it.
Your new, re-discovered or recently converted to religion
Whether or not we a) believe there’s something out there other than the universe, b) subscribe to a similar religious structure or c) think the whole thing’s just a whack of hooey, the workplace isn't the best spot to delve into this discussion. Countries have warred over these topics for centuries; we usually have an hour at lunch. It ain’t the place, honey.
A proclivity for unusual bedroom activities
When it’s time for the ‘get to know your co-workers’ storytelling, we’re pretty sure the makers of that game didn’t anticipate you disclosing your love of buttless leather chaps. Not that there’s anything wrong with buttless leather chaps; it’s just that we don’t think that visual has a place around our water cooler. Keep it in your bedroom – or motel room, or apartment elevator, or other non-work-place.
Your federal / regional / municipal vote
Bleeding heart socialist or cutthroat conservative; it doesn’t matter. Aside from religion, this hot-button topic is responsible for more dissention, death and discord than the lip-sync-on-live-television debate. Cast your vote. You get one. Be happy with that.
Breeding (otherwise known as the choice to procreate and raise offspring)
Just because a woman has a uterus and a man has a penis does not mean that they will a) want to do things to each other with these parts or b) if they do mess with each others’ parts, want to have seed land in womb. You want kids? Go nuts. Leave those alone who don’t want the ‘little blessings’. Please.
Negotiating the treacherous waters of the office environment is nerve-wracking enough as it is. Don’t make us get out our unmarked van and balaclava for an intervention, deprogramming or political action. Because we will. And you’ll lose.
If you discuss any of the above no-no items, there will be consequences. Imagine how you’ll look, waking up at the family planning clinic in your buttless chaps and clutching your copy of The Watchtower. We can arrange it.
~ Paige
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
the three-penny-tip
We’re resigning.
We saw the writing on the wall from the moment our “new hire package” was lost in the mail enroute to Regional. And we warned you that it wasn’t the right fit for us right from the get-go, but you didn’t listen.
We've reached our expiration date; hell, we’re way past it. While we look upon you and your office domain with disdain, we’re quite practical: we need to eat and we need a nice (enough) place to live. Everyone knows we’re in this for the paycheque until someone pays us for our fabulous tell-all office memoir.
After spending years perfecting our resignation letter, you get the glossy product that all other supervisors / managers / executive-types didn’t get. Some of our former resignation letters had nuggets of gold, but mainly they were just gilded crap. There’s a difference between gilded crap, generic crap and stick-it-to-you-so-hard-that-you-don’t-even-notice-we’re-sticking-it-to-you. This one's the latter, and it's golden.
We know you have difficulty with big words and that the subtlety of good writing is something that eludes you. We’ll make it easy: we’ll translate.
To Whom It May Concern, (notice how we don’t even use your name?)
Please consider this letter as our resignation from our position of administrative professional with your organization, as we have accepted a position with another branch.
You think of us as dispensable, interchangeable and lesser-than, so we’re going somewhere that might not happen. Oh, but it’s still in the same large organization – that means there are people out there who we’d rather work for, which you can’t possibly imagine.
We understand the acceptable window of notification is two weeks. Therefore, we are providing you with two week’s notice. Our last day of employment with your organization will be Wednesday March 31 2010.
If we gave a rat’s ass about you, we’d want to negotiate a transition date – considering it’s the same overarching employer. But we don’t give a rat’s ass about you. You’ll get what we give you and you’ll take it, just like we have for the past eon or so. You’re lucky we’re giving any notice at all.
We’d like to thank you for providing us with such interesting learning opportunities.
The shit we had to deal with here is unmentionable, so we won’t mention it. But we do need to acknowledge that our resiliency and mental agility was significantly increased by your lack of leadership. We had to survive, and we did. Thank you for being a f*ck up so we could learn how to deal with that.
Sincerely,
Paige Simcoe
Think of it like being in the hospitality industry – which we’re sure you never worked in because you have zero customer service skills. If you were a server, would a bigger insult be a) having someone leave you no tip or b) leaving you three pennies?
The no-tipper was dissatisfied enough to just leave without thinking about you. The three-penny-tipper thought about your horrible service so much that they chose to leave three measly pennies in spite.
We’re a three-penny-tipper on this one. Sadly, we don’t think you’ll clue in, because you never did.
~ Paige
We saw the writing on the wall from the moment our “new hire package” was lost in the mail enroute to Regional. And we warned you that it wasn’t the right fit for us right from the get-go, but you didn’t listen.
We've reached our expiration date; hell, we’re way past it. While we look upon you and your office domain with disdain, we’re quite practical: we need to eat and we need a nice (enough) place to live. Everyone knows we’re in this for the paycheque until someone pays us for our fabulous tell-all office memoir.
After spending years perfecting our resignation letter, you get the glossy product that all other supervisors / managers / executive-types didn’t get. Some of our former resignation letters had nuggets of gold, but mainly they were just gilded crap. There’s a difference between gilded crap, generic crap and stick-it-to-you-so-hard-that-you-don’t-even-notice-we’re-sticking-it-to-you. This one's the latter, and it's golden.
We know you have difficulty with big words and that the subtlety of good writing is something that eludes you. We’ll make it easy: we’ll translate.
To Whom It May Concern, (notice how we don’t even use your name?)
Please consider this letter as our resignation from our position of administrative professional with your organization, as we have accepted a position with another branch.
You think of us as dispensable, interchangeable and lesser-than, so we’re going somewhere that might not happen. Oh, but it’s still in the same large organization – that means there are people out there who we’d rather work for, which you can’t possibly imagine.
We understand the acceptable window of notification is two weeks. Therefore, we are providing you with two week’s notice. Our last day of employment with your organization will be Wednesday March 31 2010.
If we gave a rat’s ass about you, we’d want to negotiate a transition date – considering it’s the same overarching employer. But we don’t give a rat’s ass about you. You’ll get what we give you and you’ll take it, just like we have for the past eon or so. You’re lucky we’re giving any notice at all.
We’d like to thank you for providing us with such interesting learning opportunities.
The shit we had to deal with here is unmentionable, so we won’t mention it. But we do need to acknowledge that our resiliency and mental agility was significantly increased by your lack of leadership. We had to survive, and we did. Thank you for being a f*ck up so we could learn how to deal with that.
Sincerely,
Paige Simcoe
Think of it like being in the hospitality industry – which we’re sure you never worked in because you have zero customer service skills. If you were a server, would a bigger insult be a) having someone leave you no tip or b) leaving you three pennies?
The no-tipper was dissatisfied enough to just leave without thinking about you. The three-penny-tipper thought about your horrible service so much that they chose to leave three measly pennies in spite.
We’re a three-penny-tipper on this one. Sadly, we don’t think you’ll clue in, because you never did.
~ Paige
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
resignation letter language - translated
We want a bitch-o-meter.
We're thinking it's the best way to find out what the executive weather is like around you without risking life or limb in the process. Oh, come on. You know what we're talking about: the days of closed office doors, three cups of coffee before 9am and the telltale smoke that drifts out of your ears. You've had those days.
The only thing that helps us survive your bitch days is thinking about the various ways we can tell you off in a resignation letter. We're more subtle than you, so you might not pick up on some of the nuances. We'll translate, just to be sure you're following along.
We'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for helping us realize we can adapt to any situation.
Your mood swings can generate more g-force than a stealth jet.
We realize not everyone gets the chance to work with someone like you. Thank you for the unique and interesting experience.
There's a good chance your leadership style will take you the way of the dinosaur: extinction.
Thank you for the direction and guidance you have provided.
We've learned how not to be an executive / manager / person by watching you completely f*ck it up.
It's been an incredible learning opportunity.
We couldn't make this shit up if we tried.
Our post today is short, sweet and to the point. Kind of like how we envision our resignation letter would be on those days.
Want to avoid reading one of these lines in a resignation letter from your soon-to-be ex-employee? Easy: don't be a bitch.
~Paige
We're thinking it's the best way to find out what the executive weather is like around you without risking life or limb in the process. Oh, come on. You know what we're talking about: the days of closed office doors, three cups of coffee before 9am and the telltale smoke that drifts out of your ears. You've had those days.
The only thing that helps us survive your bitch days is thinking about the various ways we can tell you off in a resignation letter. We're more subtle than you, so you might not pick up on some of the nuances. We'll translate, just to be sure you're following along.
We'd like to take this opportunity to thank you for helping us realize we can adapt to any situation.
Your mood swings can generate more g-force than a stealth jet.
We realize not everyone gets the chance to work with someone like you. Thank you for the unique and interesting experience.
There's a good chance your leadership style will take you the way of the dinosaur: extinction.
Thank you for the direction and guidance you have provided.
We've learned how not to be an executive / manager / person by watching you completely f*ck it up.
It's been an incredible learning opportunity.
We couldn't make this shit up if we tried.
Our post today is short, sweet and to the point. Kind of like how we envision our resignation letter would be on those days.
Want to avoid reading one of these lines in a resignation letter from your soon-to-be ex-employee? Easy: don't be a bitch.
~Paige
Monday, March 1, 2010
5 pits of doom to avoid in getting sh*t done
It doesn’t take snooping around in a large organization to find inefficiencies, poor practice and policies that are just plain stupid. We’ve worked in lots of businesses; we get around. Big or small, private or public – it doesn’t really matter. There’s one common denominator we found while working our ass off in the trenches: dumb doesn’t discriminate.
From under-estimating to over-compensating, people seem to have a hard time hitting the nail anywhere near the head. No amount of fudging the numbers will help you get sh*t done when you’ve started out of the wrong gate, in the wrong shoes or with the wrong team.
You might be thinking “oh, but my organization knows what it’s doing”. Sorry, big gal/guy – chances are you’re way off base and your staff are either too a) afraid b) useless or c) busy with their own plans to overthrow your inefficient ass to tell you what’s wrong.
We care. We always have. We're here to help, believe it or not. It’s why you hired us, remember? We’re more than just a pretty face that can tie a tie (actually, we can’t tie a tie – we just keep the same one looped in a loose knot, hanging behind your closet and you’ve never noticed).
Don’t panic. Now that you know your project/assignment/whatever isn’t going to finish ahead of schedule, in the black or ever really be finished, we won’t leave you hanging. It's going to take some gonads to get the sh*t done, so if you’re not ready for that then please proceed along as ineffectually as usual – just don’t come crying to us when you’re the last one on the sinking ship. It’s likely we’ll have high-tailed it out of there before that anyway.
For those ready to take the plunge, roll up your sleeves. This could get messy.
Management malfunction
Someone, somewhere in a position of authority and decision-making is asleep at the wheel, not what they appear to be or cowering in the corner. If it’s not you, then it’s someone on your management team – or the team itself. It’s happened before: groupthink gone freakishly wrong.
One of the best ways to ferret out the f*ck up is to let people know you’re open to bribery or ass-kissing. For your efforts, by the end of the first week you should see an increase in expensive booze on your desk or a series of just-thought-you-should-know-what-a-terrific-job-you’re-doing emails. Now you fire the slug, bask in the glow of the hollow praise via email and drink that 12+ year old Scotch.
Pathetic planning
Too much can strangle, and too little can let the horses out of the barn before you want to set them free. So the horse and barn is a bad analogy – you don’t pay us enough to be that creative. Regardless of the barn, if you’ve not done your due diligence and accounted for the unexpected, you’re going to be up the creek without the proverbial canoe. Oh, you thought we were going to say paddle, right? Wrong. Without thinking about what you’re going to try to accomplish and who you’re going to accomplish it for and with, you’re not going to have a paddle or a canoe.
Preparation involves including all stakeholders in the process. All of them – even the ones you don’t think will count, the ones you don’t like and the ones you have never spoken to before (especially them). Want to streamline customer service? Try calling your own organization and see how easy it is to even get customer service, good or bad. Need to redesign a mail delivery system? Get on the cart and touch that mail, from the sorting to the delivering. Get involved, and get others involved – or get the hell out of the way of the people who can get sh*t done.
Dead weight
Just because someone was an excellent subject matter expert doesn’t mean that they’re a) still relevant b) cut out for management or c) someone that anyone gives a crap about outside of the throne they’ve constructed in their own mind. (oh come on – everyone’s done it)
There comes a time when something in the forest must die. This is how new plantings grow. We’re not telling you to arrive at the office with a machete and clean house – although it’s likely there’s at least one video game to help you with that fantasy if you’re so inclined. We suggest you take a good look at the forest and decide what, if anything, needs thinning. Then fire up that hypothetical chainsaw and make room for the people who really want to work.
Cover up
By this point in your career you’ve either covered your own ass or you’ve covered someone else’s ass. Not much happens by ass-covering, other than spreading sh*t around instead of getting it done and cleaning it up.
If someone is spending too much time covering their or someone else’s ass, chances are they’re not spending enough time doing the work they’re supposed to be doing. That includes you. If you’re an executive, you don’t have time for that crap – you probably don’t have time to chew your own food some days. And no, we’re not offering that so don’t get your hopes up. Lesson here is to make sure there aren’t any blankets around. It takes more effort to cover your ass and get your work done than it does to get your work done and deal with the sh*t if and when it hits the fan.
MacGyver syndrome
You’re not in a television show. Don’t expect someone to be able to design a ground-breaking widget with a pack of gum and a paperclip. If they say they can, shove them out the door because there’s only one Richard Dean Anderson and we’re pretty sure they aren't him.
We’re willing to bet (heavily) that you don’t have a scientist bomb-disposal technician on your team who is also a secret agent. If you do, kudos. Otherwise, don’t let anyone tell you they can do it all – unless they’ve proven they can. Remember that subject matter expert thing in the dead weight section? Well, this is why executives invented “contractors”. Hire the right person for the right job. Sounds easy, but you’d be amazed at how many people really f*ck this one up. Then you’ll never get your sh*t done.
We didn’t say we’d sugar coat it. And sometimes it takes strong language to get across a strong message – and sometimes we just don’t give a damn. But you’re used to that from us by now, right? Right.
Go pour yourself a drink. You’ll need it. We do, and it’s not our ass that’s on the line here.
~ Paige
From under-estimating to over-compensating, people seem to have a hard time hitting the nail anywhere near the head. No amount of fudging the numbers will help you get sh*t done when you’ve started out of the wrong gate, in the wrong shoes or with the wrong team.
You might be thinking “oh, but my organization knows what it’s doing”. Sorry, big gal/guy – chances are you’re way off base and your staff are either too a) afraid b) useless or c) busy with their own plans to overthrow your inefficient ass to tell you what’s wrong.
We care. We always have. We're here to help, believe it or not. It’s why you hired us, remember? We’re more than just a pretty face that can tie a tie (actually, we can’t tie a tie – we just keep the same one looped in a loose knot, hanging behind your closet and you’ve never noticed).
Don’t panic. Now that you know your project/assignment/whatever isn’t going to finish ahead of schedule, in the black or ever really be finished, we won’t leave you hanging. It's going to take some gonads to get the sh*t done, so if you’re not ready for that then please proceed along as ineffectually as usual – just don’t come crying to us when you’re the last one on the sinking ship. It’s likely we’ll have high-tailed it out of there before that anyway.
For those ready to take the plunge, roll up your sleeves. This could get messy.
Management malfunction
Someone, somewhere in a position of authority and decision-making is asleep at the wheel, not what they appear to be or cowering in the corner. If it’s not you, then it’s someone on your management team – or the team itself. It’s happened before: groupthink gone freakishly wrong.
One of the best ways to ferret out the f*ck up is to let people know you’re open to bribery or ass-kissing. For your efforts, by the end of the first week you should see an increase in expensive booze on your desk or a series of just-thought-you-should-know-what-a-terrific-job-you’re-doing emails. Now you fire the slug, bask in the glow of the hollow praise via email and drink that 12+ year old Scotch.
Pathetic planning
Too much can strangle, and too little can let the horses out of the barn before you want to set them free. So the horse and barn is a bad analogy – you don’t pay us enough to be that creative. Regardless of the barn, if you’ve not done your due diligence and accounted for the unexpected, you’re going to be up the creek without the proverbial canoe. Oh, you thought we were going to say paddle, right? Wrong. Without thinking about what you’re going to try to accomplish and who you’re going to accomplish it for and with, you’re not going to have a paddle or a canoe.
Preparation involves including all stakeholders in the process. All of them – even the ones you don’t think will count, the ones you don’t like and the ones you have never spoken to before (especially them). Want to streamline customer service? Try calling your own organization and see how easy it is to even get customer service, good or bad. Need to redesign a mail delivery system? Get on the cart and touch that mail, from the sorting to the delivering. Get involved, and get others involved – or get the hell out of the way of the people who can get sh*t done.
Dead weight
Just because someone was an excellent subject matter expert doesn’t mean that they’re a) still relevant b) cut out for management or c) someone that anyone gives a crap about outside of the throne they’ve constructed in their own mind. (oh come on – everyone’s done it)
There comes a time when something in the forest must die. This is how new plantings grow. We’re not telling you to arrive at the office with a machete and clean house – although it’s likely there’s at least one video game to help you with that fantasy if you’re so inclined. We suggest you take a good look at the forest and decide what, if anything, needs thinning. Then fire up that hypothetical chainsaw and make room for the people who really want to work.
Cover up
By this point in your career you’ve either covered your own ass or you’ve covered someone else’s ass. Not much happens by ass-covering, other than spreading sh*t around instead of getting it done and cleaning it up.
If someone is spending too much time covering their or someone else’s ass, chances are they’re not spending enough time doing the work they’re supposed to be doing. That includes you. If you’re an executive, you don’t have time for that crap – you probably don’t have time to chew your own food some days. And no, we’re not offering that so don’t get your hopes up. Lesson here is to make sure there aren’t any blankets around. It takes more effort to cover your ass and get your work done than it does to get your work done and deal with the sh*t if and when it hits the fan.
MacGyver syndrome
You’re not in a television show. Don’t expect someone to be able to design a ground-breaking widget with a pack of gum and a paperclip. If they say they can, shove them out the door because there’s only one Richard Dean Anderson and we’re pretty sure they aren't him.
We’re willing to bet (heavily) that you don’t have a scientist bomb-disposal technician on your team who is also a secret agent. If you do, kudos. Otherwise, don’t let anyone tell you they can do it all – unless they’ve proven they can. Remember that subject matter expert thing in the dead weight section? Well, this is why executives invented “contractors”. Hire the right person for the right job. Sounds easy, but you’d be amazed at how many people really f*ck this one up. Then you’ll never get your sh*t done.
We didn’t say we’d sugar coat it. And sometimes it takes strong language to get across a strong message – and sometimes we just don’t give a damn. But you’re used to that from us by now, right? Right.
Go pour yourself a drink. You’ll need it. We do, and it’s not our ass that’s on the line here.
~ Paige
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